Confessions of a Social Reject

Thnks Fr th Mmrs

Remember that I said I might have anxiety/paranoia issues? Well, today, I had a panic attack. Well, I've had them before, but my parents don't know, and never at school. So I left early. Honestly, the only thing I'm worried about is my (at least slightly) anorexic friend. I seriously hope that her girlfriend force-fed her during lunch...

Anyway, panic attack. Yeah. It's kind of terrifying, you know, thinking you're going to die... and yet sometimes you wish so badly that you would...

In other news, there's something I think I know, and I've thought so for a while, but I don't want to confront the person I think it involves, in case it actually doesn't involve her, if that makes any sense... I was kind of planning on being sort of discreet about figuring out for sure today, but I didn't get a chance to... though if I am right, I think she may have been planning on it, too. We'll see what happens tomorrow, I guess.

Oh, and it has just come to my attention that my friend did not eat at lunch today- if she's reading this, she needs to know that I'll be back for the very beginning of lunch to threaten her if she won't eat the food I bring her. I'm not even kidding. In my opinion, her girlfriend should be more worried about her, but that's beside the point.

Alright. So my admirer apparently isn't going to give up on me. Dude, get it into your head- I DON'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT. Not to be mean, he's just getting on my nerves. If he pushes me too far, I might have to tell him that I'm secretly in love with my one friend that he kind of knows who apparently has been our mutual informant. Not that it would shock him, because he knows I'm bi- I didn't tell him, but I really don't care... The point is, maybe he'd back off.

Just for the record, I'm not secretly in love with her. I do like her, and it does bug me when she talks about her relationship with her *perfect* boyfriend- *gags*- but I don't love her. I think I already said something about how I feel about that word. It's incomprehensible, in short.

My family is probably moving for the second time in my high school career in the next few years. Screw it, I don't need stability in my life. Not at all.

You know, most people don't have to deal with so many stressors... at least not so many of this type. Unemployed dad; losing your "second home" because your family can't financially support their failing business; moving from your only home after living there for fourteen years; being in an abusive relationship; losing all of your friends; a year later, having only one best friend who's anorexic... etc. If they do, they handle it much better than I do. I learned a lot from someone who made his mantra "I regret nothing" after our relationship thing ended. Kind of consoling, actually... The point is, I don't regret any of it either. If I hadn't been stupid enough to date an abuser I never would have realized that I was bi. That's a really complicated story, though... Another time. I just know that I regret nothing. Without my past, my present would definitely not be the same...

"Looking forward to the future, but my eyesight is going bad, and this crystal ball is always cloudy except for when you look into the past... Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great." -'Thnks Fr th Mmrs' by Fall Out Boy