The price of winning

I won

'I've won, I've won. After years of endless pain, misery, suffering  and many more hardships. I've finally won.

So why, why do I feel nothing, why I feel unhappy, why am I not satisfied?

Were my efforts all in vain was everything I've sacrificed not enough?

Isn't this what we've always wanted?

Isn't this what we've longed for?

I should be happy.

I've won.

They are proud of me now, they will love me now.

Monster.

No I am not, I did what had to be done to survive. In this world the weak perish and the strong survived.

A voice in my head. 'You are, you just can't bring yourself to admit that you are.'

I've become the very thing I despised.

But that's fine right?

They like me better this way.

Years I was told to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student and an overall perfect person.

I am what they wanted me to be.

'But was it all worth it?' The voice spoke once more.

No, no it wasn't, but life wasn't supposed to be fair for everyone.

Ever since you were born into this world you  already had a specific part to play. You cannot change it, like a canvas that's already been painted. We can't change the whole picture but we can change the small details.

I have no childhood, for i grew up too fast.

And every happy memory that I had always had a price.

So where am I supposed to turn to.

Everywhere I look all I see is the girl they wanted me to be.

I am no one, I am nothing.

I may have won, but the loses I've dealt with.

My memories, the childhood I never had the chance of having.

So how could I grieve for something I've never quite had the chance of having.

Happiness,what an unfamiliar word.

I have survived, I have succeeded.

Am I finally good enough.

Are you proud of me?