If I Betrayed All Lonely Nights

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Felix knew that soon he would expire. Weather naturally or by the orders of his “uncle”, he knew it would be soon. In truth, he had started to suspect long ago that he was not really his own person. There were far too many holes in Huxley’s story regarding the origins of Felix Honikker. He would always be dismissed whenever he asked about his parents´ whereabouts. He couldn’t even remember them or anything for that matter before his arrival at the house three years ago. No matter how hard the boy tried he had never once been able to remember the way
they looked or the sounds of their voices. Just the vague knowledge that they must have existed because how would he exist without them?
He was a smart boy but even he didn’t fully piece it together until he saw Bennett and Florence’s reactions to “Charlotte” asking about it. He later that day overheard the two talking to Huxley about it. Felix couldn’t stand to listen anymore. He felt nauseous. Who all knew? Why did they not tell him? What was the point in not telling him he was a clone and making him think his parents just up and left him here for three years?
When Felix had gotten the chance he snuck to that basement that he had never been in and had heard the others were. He couldn’t go in. it was flooded with workers cleaning up the remains of failed clones. They all looked like him. In different stages of development and different sexes too of course but they were all him. The workers were as careless as always when disposing of waste and failed experiments but the fact that this time the things being tossed around bore his own face was deeply disturbing. Angering even. Then something even more troubling crossed his mind. He couldn’t have been the first. If he was ten upon arriving at the house then there should have been other Felix Honikkers throughout those ten years. The thought of there having been even one other Huxley clone bearing the name and face that until now he had thought was his and his alone disturbed him
immensely.
He couldn’t even be all that angry with his uncle though. Henry Huxley’s health had
been declining quickly these days. He had become quite obsessed with his own
self-preservation and who was Felix to blame him for that. He and Huxley were the same in that aspect as they seemed to be in most things. Even now, Felix was only concerned with what would happen if he was terminated. It was then that he remembered his friends. Bennett knew. Florence knew. Goodwin
knew. Baldwin knew. Aiden knew. Charlotte knew. (Not that she counted anymore.) Hell, Venus was probably in on it too. He felt a fool for the first time in his life. It was an odd feeling to him.
He felt ashamed and angry with himself for never figuring it out on his own. He could finally understand the phrase ¨hindsight is 20-20” and it hurt. His chest hurt. He closed the trapdoor to the basement carefully and quickly made his way back to his lab. Felix didn’t feel like some superior alien being, he felt scared. He felt betrayed. And for once he felt like a scared little boy, no different from any weak little human. What kind of sick joke was this, he wondered.
Then Felix did something that shocked him, even after all that had happened. He
laughed. This was all so stupid. The past three years had been nothing more than a twisted joke and suddenly it all made perfect sense to him. He laughed until he threw up and then he laughed even more. The room was filled with the buzz of fluorescent lights and the kind of laughter that is the opposite of funny. It starts quietly at first, you could almost mistake it for genuine. It quickly becomes louder and the sound is enough to disturb even the most put-together of people. Then you hear it. It was never a laugh but instead, it was the sound of a child’s desperate sobs for his parents. His friends. Anyone who could tell him it was all a bad dream and hug him tight. That never came though because his parents didn’t exist and his
friends all knew that it was true and he was just a well-crafted replacement for his uncle.
When the rabbit-like boy finally had regained his senses, he felt disgusted looking
around his lab at the knocked-over monitors and test tubes and the floor… he would need to clean it up. Any other time he might have left a mess of this magnitude to the workers but not this time lest he be classified as a failed experiment and be terminated as he assumed had happened to the previous Felixs. He started by picking up the monitors and equipment he had thrown to the floor in his blind rage, then grabbed a mop for the chemicals and vomit. When he was done he looked at the cleaners he had used and gave the bottle a tired smile. He hadn’t
eaten any soap in so long. It wasn’t that he didn’t like it or that he couldn’t have it. He had seen its effects on Bennett and while he enjoyed eating it with him and having that in common, he didn’t like how it consumed his friend's whole life.
He found himself not minding the idea anymore though and unscrewed the cap before downing the bright green liquid. It burned his throat and he could feel his body and brain start to buzz. He still didn’t feel remotely well but at least he couldn’t think about how bad the whole
situation was.
There was a loud knock on his door, causing him to jump. “One moment!” He called and quickly hid the remnants of his breakdown in the supply closet. There was muffled arguing on the other side of the door and then receding footsteps. “It’s just me Mr. Honikker!” A cheerful voice called from the other side of the door and Felix felt himself relax a bit. It was just Bennett.
He opened the door and tried his best to act normal despite still being deeply unsettled and now high. It didn’t fool the worker though and the smile instantly fell from his face. Hesitantly Bennett asked “Uhm… Mr. Honikker, what is it?” Felix scolded himself silently and shook his head. “I just was analyzing some data, that’s all. What do you want?΅ The ginger grumbled like he wasn't happy to be broken out of his daze. This seemed to absolve any of Bennett’s suspicion though and he gave a pointy smile before clinging to his best friend. Felix did his best to ignore it and
typed some bullshit numbers into his computer as though it were results from an experiment.
“I wanted to know if you wanted to play that game we got last month?” he asked. Felix didn’t even think about it before nodding excitedly. It was uncharacteristic of him but Bennett was too happy to notice. Felix rarely ever agreed and while he could faintly smell soap on his friend’s breath, he elected not to ask as then he may learn something he truthfully would rather not know. Especially now that any sign of defect in the boy could result in his elimination. Bennett wouldn’t be able to cope if he was the reason Felix died. He could never go against Huxley’s orders but he couldn’t very well throw his best friend under the bus like that. If the clone were really to perish, it would be best to let it happen naturally, he figured, than to kill him or for him to be killed by someone else.
While the taller boy was more than bad at keeping secrets when high, he was good at hiding his thoughts from almost everyone always. It came as a positive side effect of his reputation as a soap addict. He didn’t doubt his ability to deceive his employer but he did hope he wouldn’t have to and that he was overthinking Felix’s being buzzed and his agreement to spend time together outside of the lab. Maybe it meant nothing that Felix hadn’t put up a fight or teased him. Maybe he wasn’t acting all that different at all. That was a possibility too right?
Huxley had a new replacement and if he suspected keeping the old one around was more trouble than its worth, he would not hesitate to give Bennett and the other workers the order to kill. He had done it with previous models when he knew there was a backup and now there was a robot Henry that was constantly being improved to be more than just a distraction for Charlotte. Bennett tried his best to shake the thoughts from his head and dragged Felix by the hand to the living room. While the pink-haired boy did seem slightly on edge seeing the other workers, Bennett was able to chalk it up to him being embarrassed at his hand being held in front of everyone. He told himself that he was worried about how the tenants would perceive him, rather than being genuinely uneasy. He felt his hand being squeezed tightly and rubbed his thumb on the back of the other boy’s hand in an effort to comfort him. When they were in the living room Felix still clung to Bennett closely as though he were afraid to let go.
It had been so long since he had seen Felix clingy like this. Months. Maybe a year? He was only like this when he had eaten a lot of soap. Some part of Bennett knew it was selfish of him to have missed it when Felix was like this but he just felt so at peace sitting with his friend on the couch, leaning against each other in silence apart from the music of the fame and the faint clicking of the controllers. He didn’t feel the need to crack jokes or pick on the boy like always. He just enjoyed the company and it was quite clear Felix did too. He was smiling slightly and resting his head on Bennett’s shoulder, occasionally moving to rub his face against him or to place his chin on the blond’s shoulder before gluing his eyes back to the television screen he was using. It was a long time before Felix broke the silence.
“Ben…?” he whispered, “why did you come to see me?” Bennett blinked in surprise
before giving a funny-looking smile. “Because I wanted to play this, Mr. Honikker!” Felix shook his head and the smile fell from his friend’s face. “I wanted to check up on you…?” he tried again. Felix still looked unsatisfied with the answer but didn’t press further. The boys fell silent again, though it certainly wasn’t as peaceful. Bennett had stopped playing and Felix was staring spacily at the screen, not paying attention to what he was doing in the slightest. Bennett watched him run around the schoolyard in-game aimlessly until he ran into an enemy and lost.
Felix just stared at his controller, unaware that he was now practically laying on Bennett. After a while, Bennett spoke again. “Mr. Honikker-?” “Felix. You’re too formal.”
“Felix?” He nodded to show he was listening and Bennett hesitantly spoke again.
“You smell like soap.” the boy stated plainly and Felix shrugged. “You eat it all the time” he grumbled. Bennett couldn’t argue with that. Even now his brain felt all bubbly and like it was full of static. Still, it was unlike the ginger to indulge in such things, regardless of the situation. “True I guess… but you never eat soap anymore! Is there a reason?” Felix didn’t respond. Bennett almost thought he fell asleep until he felt his friend stir and bury his face into his shoulder again. He waited for an answer for what felt like forever but all he got was another question.
“How do you actually feel about me, Bennett?” He didn’t know how to answer the question. He was quite shocked by it if he were being honest, and even if he weren’t, how do you explain these types of feelings? Bennett didn’t have the slightest clue. He did his best to choose his words carefully. He wrapped his arm around the smaller boy and rest his head on top of Felix’s. “Why do you ask?” Bennett asked but the only answer he received was a slight shrug. Without realizing it, he started to play with the younger boy’s hair. “I really, really care about you,” he said with a slight smile. “You’re my best friend and my favorite person.” Felix didn’t seem quite satisfied with that response. “Would you still feel that way if I was someone else?” Bennett panicked. “Someone else? What do you mean by that? You’re Mr. Felix Honikker and you’re Dr. Huxley’s nephew!” Felix resisted the urge to shove Bennett off of him and tell him that he knew the truth.
“I mean…” he paused. “If Huxley wasn’t my uncle. Would we still be friends if you
weren’t ordered to?” Bennett couldn’t say honestly in full confidence that they would be because obviously, they met through the doctor but he also couldn’t say no, not just to protect his friend’s feelings, but because he wasn’t sure. Huxley had retracted the order to keep an eye on the Felixs years ago but Bennett had never stopped hanging out with him. Was it because he wanted to or out of some sense of obligation to Huxley? He didn’t know but he figured he might still want to be around Felix anyway. “Why wouldn’t we be?” he smiled.
Felix relaxed a bit but still didn’t seem quite happy with the answer. He laid in Bennett's lap, looking blankly at the TVs and Bennett scratched the top of his head. Felix’s hair was a lot softer than his own he noticed. There was no caked-on blood or dirt from endless dangerous work. He liked that a lot. He was happy that Felix didn’t have to worry about anything more than what he wanted to. There was no debt the boy had to repay because some crackpot scientist wanted to learn about the human mind. Bennett didn’t know but Felix was also envious of him. Bennett got Huxley’s attention and was loved by all the other tenants, even the ones he frequently bothered like Aiden. No one knew better than him that Bennett wasn’t as happy or kind as he let on but he had no trouble befriending people or explaining his interests to people. Bennett had a fairly simple life. Of course, none of these things were truly as straightforward as either boy thought but that didn’t stop them from feeling envious.
Felix noticed a speck of dried blood on Bennett’s chin and slowly reached his hand up to wipe it away. The blond flinched a bit but didn't move away or stop him at all. Instead, he pressed his face into his friend’s hand almost like a dog asking for pats. Felix couldn’t help but laugh and oblige to the request. The sound was a rare but pleasant surprise. Bennett poked Felix’s face, now laughing too and asking if he was possessed. “The great scientist Felix Honikker never laughs! What demon has stolen my friend?!” he joked. Much to Felix’s annoyance, laughs continued to escape him. “I have no clue what you mean, I’m not laughing at all!” he protested
and faked a cough that turned into another bought of laughter from the two boys and a halfhearted wrestling match that ended with Bennett on the floor playing dead and Felix laughing so hard his sides had begun to hurt.
That was the last time the two had fun together and neither could remember all too well what had happened that day.
Of course, they had spent time together since then but things had still been tense now that Felix knew the truth about where he came from and he had to hide something from Bennett for the first time. Bennett had also been different though. He had been cutting down on soap since that day in hopes of another day like that in the near future. If he didn’t eat so much soap, maybe he would remember better what it had been like to be friends with this Felix.
It didn’t ever really happen though.
The next time they had a real conversation was the day Felix died. Bennett had started to open up again. Felix guided his friend through the puzzles he went through with the unconscious Scarlett Eyler. When Felix spoke, it caught Bennett really off guard. Felix didn’t often refer to Bennett by his full name, electing instead to call him Ben much of the time. He was serious though and didn’t know what would happen next. They had been discussing Eyler’s condition over call when Felix decided it was a good time to finally bring up his own rapid approaching
end. He had avoided it thus far but he didn't see much further need to pretend. Knowing he had helped his new friend gave him peace enough that he felt alright if he were to die now. He just needed to talk to Bennett one more time at least and he wasn’t sure he would get that chance if he waited.
“Bennett.” He muttered.
“Yes?”
“I don’t have much time left either, do I?”
Bennett froze for a moment but his smile never left his face, despite his clear nervousness.
“...You knew?”
The image of Felix nodded slowly and he furrowed his brow. “I’m not that dumb. Maybe this is why I agreed to help miss Eyler in the first place.”
“That’s right! Mr. Honikker is so smart!” Felix didn’t bother to correct him. “You must have figured it all out a looooooooong time ago! Everyone must’ve looked like a whole bunch of idiots to you! Right? Right?!”
“Enough.” he turned away from the camera. He was the one who felt like an idiot. “You don’t need to apologize. Just promise me you’ll make sure she gets to 11F, okay?” He choked back his tears and gave a sick, wry smile. “Who knows? Maybe there’s Heaven up there.”
The effects of the soap Bennett had consumed had fully worn off at last and he looked angry and sad that Felix had chosen now to talk about this and that this would be one of his last memories of his friend. “...I promise.” the elevator went silent and neither of them spoke until it had reached its destination. Bennett shook away the frown and chided himself for being so selfish. He had no right to feel so heartbroken, right? Besides, he wasn’t losing anything really.
This Felix Honikker would die and then another would replace him soon after.
Bennett returned in less than perfect shape and was suffering from soap withdrawals. The first thing he did after ensuring Eyler’s condition was stable was go to see if Felix was still alive. He let out a sigh of relief upon seeing a slicked-back pink head of hair poking up from behind a monitor and hearing frantic typing. Felix didn’t even notice Bennett was in the lab until the taller boy placed his hand on his shoulder. Felix could tell right away that Bennett needed medical attention and didn’t hesitate to put him on the operating table, remove the top half of his hazmat
suit, and treat his surface wounds. Bennett didn’t say a word while Felix worked. When he was patched up he didn’t get up or even really bother to fix his suit. The two boys sat in silence, not even looking at each other for what seemed like an eternity. It was Bennett who finally broke the silence.
“How are you feeling, Mr. Honikker?" he asked quietly. Felix shrugged. His body had been weakening for days now but he hadn’t wanted to say anything until now. “Tired.” he admitted, “But that’s nothing new.”
Felix then gestured to the door at the sound of workers running around. “Is everyone pulling an all-nighter because of me?” Bennett nodded solemnly. “Yeah. even Florence didn’t hold back on soap.” Felix didn’t see why they would go through so much effort for a single clone or why they cared specifically about this one Felix so much. He doubted it would be a messy enough death to warrant all the fuss but he bit his tongue. “Even though I did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment, you all chose to act stupid.” Bennett didn’t reply. Felix may be acting like it's all trivial
but it wasn’t. Not to Bennett.
“What are you sulking for, idiot? You’ll see me tomorrow.”
“That person won’t be you.” Felix didn’t understand. It would be him, as would the next one, and the next. They all would. That was the point. “I doubt anybody will notice the difference. It’s not like I did anything remarkable in my lifespan.” This upset Bennett more than anything Felix had said before. He raised his voice, “you gave a shit about me. Although…” he smiled “you gave a shit about everyone. Just like Henry. Before he fell ill.” he clarified.
Felix fell silent for a moment, not knowing how to argue the point. He just did what anyone would do, he told himself. And he really would rather not be compared to his uncle anymore, not that it mattered anymore. “It’s unfair,” he stated. “We both know I am a copy.” Bennett laughed dryly. “First Mr. Honikker tells me it’s okay to care, then he complains when I do. Which is it?”
Felix didn’t answer. Bennett was right he supposed but he wished that he wouldn’t be so hung up on something so inconsequential.
“Do you believe in God, Bennett?” He thought about it for a good minute before shaking his head “No.” before clarifying “Henry Huxley isn’t someone as shallow as that.” Felix sighed. Of course, he would only want to believe what Huxley did. Not that Felix did or had ever believed in a God per se but he did wish the conversation hadn’t returned to Huxley. “...I see… Then it must be the same for me, too.” the lab fell silent again and the sound of the lights became deafening.
Neither could bear to look at each other or make conversation. It was too painful for them. So they sat quietly and stared at the tiled floor of the lab, following the lines where each tile connected and connecting the specs with their eyes, not into shapes but just at random.
“Mr. Honikker.” Bennett spoke up before cutting himself off for a while.
“I won’t make friends with you the next time we meet.”
A small laugh escaped Felix’s lips and he met Bennett’s eyes. “It’s a promise then.”
“Ben…?” Bennett tilted his head, wondering why his friend had said his name out of the blue.
“How does this usually end?” The blond had found himself wondering how Felix would end this time as well. Bennett shrugged. “I’m not usually sober for this part,” he admitted and gave a dark smile. “Any preferences?” It had entirely been a joke but Felix gave it some thought. He preferred the idea of knowing exactly when he would die over simply fading away or whatever happened when a clone expired. Bennett gave a frown when he realized Felix was actually considering it. “That’s kinda sick Mr. Honikker!” he laughed. The ginger shrugged. “Better than the alternatives, isn’t it?” Bennett couldn’t help but agree. To waste away slowly and alone or to have a quick end with your best friend at your side? But what if they were wrong and this Felix wasn’t yet reaching his natural end. Bennett wasn’t sure he could deal with that guilt. One look at the expression on his friend’s face though and he gave in. Felix looked so sad and distant. He may have been smiling but tears were welling up in his eyes.
Still, Felix insisted that Bennett didn’t have to kill him but Felix’s hair was starting to fall out and his skin seemed to lose any remaining color. So he agreed. He removed his thick black gloves and reached out his hand. Felix removed his as well and held his friend’s hand tightly. The two pulled each other into a warm hug. Felix could hear Bennett’s heart racing and hugged him tighter, rubbing his back. It didn’t seem to provide much comfort though because soon the two collapsed on the ground crying. “I’m going to miss you so much…” Felix laughed and rolled his eyes. “You’ll see me tomorrow, Ben.” He shook his head. The salt from his tears aggravated the eyes on the side of his face but he couldn’t stop crying. Felix reached up, wiping away the tears pouring from his best friend’s eyes. “Gods Ben, you’d think you were the one dying. You’re going to be alright.” Bennett held Felix’s hand to his face, cherishing the warmth it gave before leaning forward and planting a small kiss atop his head. Felix hugged Bennett tightly until they both had quit crying so much.
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Felix.”
“Will it hurt?”
“Probably. Are you sure you want this?”
“Yes. And besides, I trust you.”
“See you tomorrow.”
“Remember your promise, alright? And could you smile for me?”
“Yeah, I think I can do that.”
Bennett smiled widely and held either side of his friend’s face, feeling his soft hair and the tears still running down his face. He softly brushed them away, getting ready to strangle Felix when he felt two small hands reach up to his own. Felix kissed Bennett on the cheek. “Goodbye.” He smiled. Bennett started to cry again but didn’t let his smile falter. “See you later.”
At last, he squeezed his friend’s throat, still holding hands, until the coughing subsided and the life drained from Felix Honikker’s red eyes. When he was sure that he was dead, he held the small boy’s body close to him and cried.