heavy soul

I was never good at coping

The next morning as I sat alone with him in his room in complete solace I my head rested on his shoulder as one of his arms was behind my back I stared at his face as if it to memorise every inch of it the way he looked at me scared me it was as if he saw something that I never could he was particularly touchy individual so you could never tell if I was ordinary to him or extraordinary one of the worst parts of it was when he did something to me and It felt like He really liked me but then in some ordinary situations I'd see him act that way with another girl and it would slowly chip away at my soul he does this peculiar thing to me where he holds my face I act as if it's extremely repulsive but I never realised how much I Valued that stupid fucking gesture until I saw him do the same thing to another girl while I was engulfed by my thoughts he mindlessly started playing with my hair it was amusing the way he just stared  at  me I was afraid that he was going to start seeing the extensive flaws I behold but he had a look of pure admiration I don't know what was worse the anxiety of him eventually seeing me for me or the fear that he saw me as completely ordinary and was just with  me because Beatrix was unavailable that nagging thought plagued me that he was truly only tolerating me because she wasn't there and he would drop me the minute she came around the way he followed her around used to be excited to tell her everything the way he cared for her that doesn't disappear and the reality of the matter is that Beatrix was a challenge and I was easy how long will it be before he realises that he's bored I'm having a hard time figuring out wether I should leave before he inevitably leaves me or if I should let go of the need for control but is the humiliation of being with a guy whose in-love with another girl worth the validation do I even like him or do I just like that I have him and he's fragile and wanted do I like the instability of the relationship or maybe the ugly truth is that I dislike myself enough to believe that no one could ever truly need me the way that I need them I wonder if he can sense how entangled my thoughts are right now I wonder if he's thinking of her while im ripping myself apart of him.
I still remember a month ago it's as if that memory's engraved in my heart I went with him to get his ear Pierced and he was so excited to text her after getting it done as if he wanted nothing more than for her to like it as if she was all that matters I get that I might be irrational with this comparison  loop but
It was never me it was always her what if it's only me because she doesn't want it to be her

(I kinda wanna re edit the last few chapters and change the narrative make it more sad and slow burn would u guys be good with that also let me know how u like it this chapter was more of a therapy session)