Star-Crossed

Part 44

"What kinds of dresses do you like to wear?" the woman asks me.

"I, um..." I start. "I don't really know?"

"Let's just try everything!" announces Eva. "It'll be fun."

I keep myself from rolling my eyes and force a smile.

"Great," beams Ingrid. "I'll bring out some options."

I try on dress after dress after dress and everything looks terrible on me. Eva is having the time of her life. Iggy's album is playing in the background, and Ingrid sneaks us a couple of glasses of strawberry champagne.

I keep walking in and out of the dressing room, showing Eva what she's told me to try on.

"It's like we're in our own fashion show right now," exclaims Eva. "This is so fun - just loosen up, Karina!"

I take a few sips of the strawberry champagne and together, Eva and I dance a bit to the music. I admit, I am sort of having fun.

Then, Ingrid brings out a dress and Eva yells, "That's it! That's the one."

The dress is simple but funky. It's black on top but crisscrosses in a few spots so that there are cutouts around my waist.

The skirt part is flowy and made out of a thin material and is an animal-like print with tan and black - sort of like tiger-stripes. It's longer in the back and then a swerves up so it's shorter in the front, hitting me above my knees.

I take it to the dressing room and put it on. It fits perfectly. I glance at myself in the mirror before heading out to show Eva. I like it.

"OH EM GEE", screams Eva. "YES!"

I look at Ingrid and she nods.

"Here, try these," says Eva, handing me a pair of black leather gloves with emerald and diamond studs on them. I put them on.

"You don't think they're too flashy or something?" I ask, eyeing myself in the mirror.

"Not at all, you look like a badass!" says Eva.

Ingrid brings out a pair of heels that look like sneakers - they're so spunky and comfortable and still make me so much taller than I actually am.

I pick out some earrings that match the work on the gloves that Eva handed me and also grab a simple, black leather purse with gold zippers and a golden snap.

Eva throws in some last-minute stuff she finds on the sales rack, we pay for everything and then leave.

"Your outfit is amaaazing," says Eva.

"Thanks," I laugh. "Couldn't have done it without ya!"

"I know," she smirks.

When we get back to the apartment, Rex is in the hallway.

"Where are you two coming from?" she says, eyeing our shopping bags.

"We just got Karina a dress from Ingrid's place," says Eva.

"Nice," responds Rex.

"Hey, Ro is having another party tomorrow night," she adds. "This one's a bit more hush-hush, invite only. Can you two make it?"

It depends on how our mission at KORP goes. Eva and I look at each other.

"We'll definitely try our best," Eva says, smiling at me and Rex.

"Don't tell me you have anywhere better to be," teases Rex, punching me lightly on the arm. Eva and I both laugh, a bit nervously.

"We'll be there," I say, hoping that all goes well tomorrow and that all five of us are actually able to make it to Ro's party in once piece.

"Cool," she says. "Night."

She walks into her room and shuts the door.

"Night," Eva and I say, in unison, as we head back to our room.

All of the sudden, I wonder if I should have included Rex in our mission? Or at least told her about Pia? I take deep breaths to calm myself down.

Everything's going to be fine, Karina, I remind myself. Just breathe.

"You okay?" Eva asks, when we're back inside our apartment.

"Yeah," I say. "I'm fine. I'm just gonna meditate for a minute."

Eva nods, and I put down my bags and walk outside onto the balcony.

It's cool tonight, and the city feels oddly quiet.

The calm before the storm, I say to myself.

I decide to sit on the ground and cross my legs Indian-style on the bench. I press the palms of my hands together and hold them up in a prayer-like stance at the center of my chest, over my heart. Then, I close my eyes and begin taking deep breaths in and out.

My mind keeps wandering to the idea of time. The past, the present, the future.

I think about how, for so many years, I've been so attached to the past, to a version of my parents that I knew when I was five. To people who were in my life a decade ago.

Maybe it's time to let them go.

But then, I think of Pikar and how reuniting with her has been everything - and more - than I could have ever imagined it to be. She is a wonderful human being, and I love her so much. Having her back in my life is a gift.

Why can't it just be the same case for my parents? Why does it all have to be so difficult?

I guess I have never felt particularly attached to an idea of my sister, though, now that I really think about it. We were both so little. I've always just loved her, for no reason other than because she's my big sister. Nothing expected in return.

But my parents...they've always represented something to me. They've always been my superheroes. It's hard to imagine that they would ever leave me. That either of them could do any evil at all.

It's almost as if a part of me felt like it died when I learned that my mom was no longer alive, and another part of me died when I realized my dad is no longer the man I thought he was. The man whose image I've held onto for so many years.

For so long, I've defined myself as an extension of each of my parents. Without them, I have to begin to create an identity from scratch, and that's scary.

I open my eyes and look out onto the Capital city of Shinar. It's shimmering in the moonlight. It's such a beautiful place.

Maybe, I think to myself, the things in our past that we most want to hold onto no longer serve us, because they prevent us from fully being present - in the moment, here and now.

But then, why is being in the present so important, anyway, I wonder. The past, the present, the future - aren't they all just different versions of the same thing - time.

It's rare though, to find those people who really are present, in the now. It seems like people are always caught up in what already has happened or what might possibly happen.

But to be fully immersed in what is unfolding right in front of you, with no desire for it to be anything else other than what it is - that is tough.

"Be brave," my mom always used to say to me, whenever I didn't want to go to school. Or, whenever I didn't want to do anything I was feeling afraid of. "Everything will be fine."

Everything will be fine, I remind myself.

I get up from the ground and head back inside.

Tomorrow is a big day.