Still in progress

I haven't finished or edited but yeah

Its so funny seeing all these kids my age already falling in love. It seems like just yesterday that we were all running away from each other because of cooties. Now look at them pressed against each other against lockers or holding hands walking from class to class. I dont understand what the big deal is about love. I mean how do even know if you are in love or not. What if what you are feeling is not really love. What even is love. If anyone who felt love should know how to explain what it is and how it feels right? Well then why is everyones answer so different. I mean love is just one thing is it not? I mean yeah I guess people do feel emotions differently but at the same time wouldnt the answer be something at least a little bit similar?

There are so many different scenarios that would have different feeling of love. From it being partners which would be more intimate to being friends which is more platonic to family which feels a bit more forced but you do know you love them but it is sometimes confusing with families love.

I mean one day you will be so convinced that you love someone but then as soon as that one person is gone from your life its like it was so forced on you. The whole time that you spent on that person seems like a huge waste of time. I mean you spent so much time with that person thinking that they will be your forever. But then you blink and suddenly it was like nothing, suddenly its like a chunk of your life has been taken away from you. Its almost so hard to tell that its gone and it just feels like someone has put a piece of paper over that dent.

So when you see all these people your age, so young saying that they are in love its so strange that they think that. Im sure so many people are but as someone who has thought about the concept of love and seen so many relationships where one day they were both the most loving people in your life and you thought that their relationship was straight out a fairy tale suddenly turn into a shit show.

Its and thinking about how early I was introduced into really toxic relationships and friends. I mean shit I was bought into this world with two parents who were so bad together. My earliest memory that I can remember is my dad chasing my mum around with a big butchers knife, god I must have been so young considering how long they have been apart. And then when they split it was fine for a while then its when my mother started to be abusive. I mean she neglected us its like we were never there. I would see her two days a week maybe. Not even. I mean she was never really a big part in my childhood that I can remember. If Im being honest dont have many memorys from my child hood. I mean I remember bits and pieces from it but it never really was any good.

I was bought up in a loveless house hold it felt like. At the time I was living my best life. From what I can remember it, it seems like I didnt even realise how bad I had it. from being poor and having no food in the house most of the time. To never having the parents that were there when they were meant to be there like when I won contests or got good grades or even when I had graduated from primary school. I mean yeah sure mum was their for about two minutes and I know if was to go take care of my younger brother but still it hurt. She never even congratulated me or nothing. I know that doesnt seem like much but it was a lot for me.

My dad on the other had he was okay I know how much he had to go through to get to where he is know but still. I may not have the best mother in the world but still what he did to her, she never deserved it, no one deserves to go anything so tragic.

My older sister was always more like a mother than my own mother will always be to me. It doesnt matter what she does now, she was never there when a mother should have been. But my dad was never really there either. So now to thing of it growing up I didnt really have a parental roll in my life. I mean I see my dad once a month but that was never enough as a kid but now I couldnt care less if I saw him even once a year.

It was so scary when I saw my mum upset and angry I mean it was okay if she was only a little but its so scary I mean the way that she would beat my sister right in front of me. My mum doesnt deserve any of her kids. I mean I cant imagine what my sister would have went through. And in the future I hope she gets help for it. my mum is a terrible human being. And in the end she always will be. I doesnt matter that she is my mother or that I live under her roof or she works to put food Im my stomach. That is her job as a parent. I will never ever forgive both of my parents to what they put my siblings and I through.

I remember this one day it was one of the times where my mate was over and my mum started to beat on my sister. It was so scary. I didnt want them to see or hear what was happening. I mean I thought that was normal at first until I realised that never happened at their house and that they were scared. I was so embarrassed and scared I mean they were one of my only friends. I didnt want to be alone. What would I do then if they had left me. Thank god I think that they have forgotten it.

I thought my step dad was when it had all started to happen but it really wasnt. it just hopped it up a notch. I mean he was crazy. He was a drunk I was so scared of what he could do to me he was a drunk what was I meant to do. The day that he threw a glass bottle at my sister was when I realised just how insane he really was. So no it wasnt the fact that he had left blood marks and dents of mine and my brothers door early in the morning cause we forgot to do the dishes and he tried to get in but my brother had locked it cause he was scared so he couldnt get in. No that wasnt the realisation. I mean my step dad is fine now and he has his moments but still he will forever be a large part of my trauma.

I had thought my family was so normal and this is just how families are. It was just a part of growing up. It was only until this year where I had realised how fucked up my life is, and that everything that I have been through wasnt and isnt okay for a child to go through.

I mean yeah of course I had good family moments from time to time its just the fact that I cant remember my childhood very well at all.

The main reason I know and have remembered all of these moments was from when friends were telling memories from their child hood and that just flicked a switch in me knowing that I was never the kid I was meant to be. I didnt go through the same things that all other kids went through.

And then when I started to actually grow up it was all so confusing. I wasnt taught about the things that normal kids were taught about growing up. I learnt about periods and sex from movies and tv shows. I never learnt it in school. My mother didnt tell me about it like how she is mean to. I was so scared when I got my first period I didnt even tell anyone until two days later when I told my older sister. And she just asked me if I knew how to put a pad on. I never got the comfort or real talk when I was meant to.

Then I grew up and my sister would always make fun of the was I looked and my weight. I mean I knew that I was never skinny and I didnt look like how all the other girls in my grade looked but still it hurt really bad when I was growing up and I was never told that I looked fine or that everything I was going through was fine and that I would get through it. no I was told I was fat and ugly by my own siblings. I mean the same siblings that went through the same things I went through and where meant to be there when I had needed them. They were mean to teach me what I needed to know.

They were always too busy though. They never had time for me. I tried to leave them alone when I thought they need ed the alone time but it still hurt getting pushed away. I just wanted to feel loved.

You expect to at least have family there when you needed them the most but they never were. Grade seven was when I got my reality check that there was no one there for me. That no one had cared at all. It was also the first year that I had ever harmed myself. Maybe it was for attention I guess we will never know now. But no one noticed until I fought with my brother about something and it slipped out and then he went around telling all his friends and laughing at me. That made me feel like the worst thing in the world.

No one was also there when I would throw up all my food either. When I would drink an iced coffee in the morning, not eat anything all day then eat a snack and dinner after I got home from school, then suddenly I was throwing up in the toilet. No one noticed. No one cared. I didnt matter to anyone. I just wanted someone to like me, I wanted someone to actually love me. I had no one to support me or care about me when I was going through it bad.

And what about grade 8? I wanted validation from someone, anyone. And they both made me feel so special at the right moments. It didnt matter what they said. How sexual it was. They somehow made me feel heard. They were there. Yeah we might not talk but still the were there.