Love, Blue

Jacques a dit

      "Jacques, I'm almost positive I know who you are." My heart palpitates and almost explodes out of my chest when I hit send. Gmail took a second to load but I soon get the 'Message sent.' notification. I let out a shaky breath. This probably wasn't a good time to reveal that information but I couldn't take it anymore. I did it. Jacques. Jacques a dit. French for Simon Says. I had laughed at the cleverness of the pseudonym when I first figured it out, but now those were the only words I could think of. They circulated my brain and haunted my every waking, and sleeping, moment. Simon Says. Simon. I sit at my desk and wait for a response that I knew wasn't coming for a while. But I couldn't help myself. Jacques has been one of the best things in my life for a long time and I don't want to lose him. The thought pained me. I tried to take my mind off of the situation by doing some of Mr. Wise's english homework but it wasn't working too well so I just ended up laying down on my bed. Whatever, I'll finish it some other time. I plug my earbuds into my phone and play "Waltz #2" by Elliott Smith. It helps calm my nerves a little but my mind is still focused on what Simon'd say. I mean, I already know that he won't be upset that I know who he is. Most likely, the exact opposite, actually. That was what worries me. I know Simon desperately wants to meet me; he'd asked several times if we could. I just...didn't know if I was ready for that yet.

     Despite the fact that my fight-or-flight reflexes had almost kicked in a few times that day, I got surprisingly good sleep when I went to bed that night. Simon didn't reply to my email until 7:12 PM the day after I sent it. I honestly didn't think he was going to reply, or so soon at that, so I was very worried about the contents. I open his response and I read it. My heart sinks into my stomach. "Actually, I think I know who you are, too. So, just for fun, I'm guessing..." Except, the person he guessed was definitely not me. "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm the person you think I am," I type, feeling terrible that I had disappointed him. I'm not who he thought I was. I'm not who he wanted. I don't close the email with my usual "Love, Blue" like I had gotten into the habit of doing. "-Blue" I felt myself closing up. After finishing our conversation, I close my laptop with a sigh and decide to take a break from the world for a while. Or, at least until soccer practice is over.

                           </3[Love, Blue]Ɛ\>