see saw | hyewon

see saw

Honestly, I don't know why it doesn't hurt. I mean everything says it should hurt, but I feel numb, no- not numb, perhaps melancholic, but not sad. I always knew this day would come, but I thought when it did it would be a terribly painful experience, but sitting alone in the park, I feel nothing. We dated for years, and she broke up with me give-or-take an hour ago and I'm still just sitting here. I have yet to shed a tear over her. We had been through so much together, being on the brink of failing classes, losing friends, homophobic remarks, but here I am sitting on a see saw, empty of emotions.

It's possible that the sadness has not hit me yet. Maybe tonight I will be sobbing into my pillow hoping that my parents won't hear me. Perchance I'll go to school tomorrow, and I'll try to avoid her. When Ms. Ahn does attendance in French class and calls out "Lee Sebin" and no one answers because she always skips our second period class claiming, "I don't need to know a foreign language if I don't leave the city", I will feel a dagger stabbing into my stomach. When I hear her friends whispering and laughing at my indignant expression and the tears silently cascading down my face when I cannot stand al of the memories I feel the dagger twist, feeling pain that I would wish on nobody. But still, I feel nothing.

I stand up and try to block out my inner thoughts by putting in my headphones and start my trek home. As I get farther away from the park, I look back at the see-saw, and think about the up and down motions. We were never happy at the same time. If Sebin was at her high, I was in my low. Just like a see saw.

Perhaps I'm too pathetic to feel emotion. What if I am a sociopath or something? I pull out my phone and look at the time 4:54PM it reads, so I know I should be hurrying so I can finish some homework before supper, but nonetheless I walk slowly, taking in the cloudy skies, knowing that it will soon start raining. Sebin hated the rain, but I love it. I hope it starts raining before I arrive home.

Just then I feel my phone buzz in my pocket, and I see a text from my best friend, Chaewon. 'Hey Hyejoo, do you want to come over tonight? My parents said you can, and school is cancelled tomorrow because the water pipes burst' I smile and instantly send a confirmation that I'd love to, I'll just have to ask my parents when I get home. I start subconsciously walking faster, with a slight bounce in each step I take towards my house. Just as I start down my street, a few precipitations fall into my hair. Before I know it, the few drops had turned into heavy rain, and when I'm struggling with my keys at my front door, I am already soaked, but I don't mind. Oddly enough, I like it.

I get the door open, and I am greeted by my dad making supper, rice and chicken breast, in a mushroom sauce, my favorite. "How was your time with Sebin?"

"It was good," I lied through my teeth, but he wouldn't have to know yet. "School got cancelled tomorrow cause water pipes burst or something, could I go to Chaewon's for night?" I asked him

"Yeah, the school emailed about the cancellation, but you'll have to call your mom and ask her" my dad said while adding some spices to the chicken.

"Thanks, I'll ask her" I said while I thought to myself that its strange that he didn't even ask me if there is anything wrong. He always knows when I am hurting, but today he seems to not see anything wrong. I might just be fine, for now.

Part of me hopes that tonight I break down to Chaewon, just so I can feel something. I'm not usually numb, she is always good at making me feel better, but right now nothing feels wrong. I hate that I feel this way, it doesn't make sense.

Deciding that I need to stop thinking about Sebin, I click my mom's contact on my cellphone, hearing the stifled ringing for a few seconds, before she picks up "Hello Hyejoo, what's up?"

"Could I go to Chaewon's for night? There is a problem with water leaking in the school; so, its cancelled tomorrow" I ask awaiting her response.

"Go ahead, as long as dad and Chaewon's parents are allowing it." she said in what seemed to be a happy tone. Even though she has a stressful job, she always makes time for me and my dad, never making us feel like a burden, and always being loving.