Maybe not only as a writer…
… but also as a person.
Sumandal ako sa upuan. My English class ended earlier that it usually does, pero nagpaiwan ako sa homeroom while all of my classmates made layas na. I still have a class this afternoon kaya hindi pa ako puwedeng umuwi. Masyado pa namang maaga para mag-lunch kaya I decided to just spend my time in our homeroom.
I revisited the novel slash fictional blogs na isinulat ko sa MS Word. I haven’t published them online yet kahit na meron akong sariling website for my real blogs, which I update on a regular basis. Gusto ko sanang i-publish ang novel slash fictional blogs na ginawa ko, pero medyo nagdadalawang-isip ako. Siguro saka ko na ipa-publish iyon kapag sigurado na akong iyon na talaga ang ending niyon.
I glanced outside the window. It was a warm day, pero mahangin kaya hindi ko masyadong ramdam ang init. ‘Yung puwesto ko sa inuupuan ko ay overlooking the open field kaya kitang-kita ko ang mga estudyanteng nakatambay, nagtatawanan, naghaharutan, at even ‘yung mga naglalampungan slight. Kitang-kita ko nga ang mga pinsan kong lalake na nagga-grappling sa damuhan na parang mga timang. At kitang-kita ko ang kapatid ko kasama si Kuya Boom at halatang nagtatalo tungkol sa isang online game.
From the corner of my eye, nahagilap ko si Cyber na nakaupo sa damuhan under a shady tree. At hindi lang iyon. May kasama siyang babae. It’s the same girl na nakita ko noon—si Clara Montejo.
Ang girlfriend niya.
They seemed to be engaged in a conversation. I silently observed them. Nagsasalita si Cyber, obviously. Nakikipag-usap siya kay Clara. I sighed as I remembered kung paano halos maubos ang boses ko just by trying to get him to talk to me. It just proves na he is comfortable while talking to her. It just proves na hindi nga naman talaga siya interesadong makipag-usap sa akin.
I really should move on.
May nabasa ako noon. Maraming stages ang moving on, pero there are five stages that could sum those up.
Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
Now, medyo hindi applicable sa situation ko, right? I mean, let’s face it. Kahit na I deserve to have a moving on process in spite of the fact na—okay, fine, balik again doon sa four points of reality ko. So hindi nga applicable sa akin ang five stages na ‘yun. Then anong applicable sa akin?
Looking back, I noted the stages I went through.
Vision. Optismism. Push-through. Truth. Resistance. Optismism Again. Reality. Hurt. Sadness.
I had a vision before at iyon ang Hashtag Best Friendship Forever namin ni Cyber. I was optimistic, so I pushed through, exterted my best effort, and gave all I could. But there’s the truth na ayaw niya. At ayaw rin ng pagkakataon o tadhana. But I resisted. I manipulated the events and tried to make a connection. I was still optimistic again. Then came reality—reality that slapped me in the face na no matter how hard I try or do my best, kung ayaw ng isang tao, wala akong magagawa. Kahit makipaglaro o manipulahin ko pa ang events or even ang tadhana, the other person is still entitled to his own choice. Kahit gusto ko at ayaw niya, the effect is null. Void. Malamang masakit, ‘di ba? Masakit, leche. Kahit na hindi naman kami involved in a romantic relationship and the even friendship is just one-sided. Masakit pa rin. Leche with Capital L. At hindi naman ako manhid para hindi malungkot. Obviously, nalungkot ako.
At nalulungkot pa rin ako.
But… I. Cannot. Be. Sad. Hashtag. Forever.
So what comes after sadness?
Acceptance.
Tanggap ko na. Tanggap ko na na no matter how hard I try to make things work out with people, kung sila mismo ang ayaw mag-work things out with you, wala ka nang magagawa. You resisted once na, but there will come a time na you should accept it. Not because you’re weak or something, but because the world doesn’t revolve around you only. Not because gusto mo, ganito ka, ganyan dapat kasi ganyan ka eh makukuha mo na at ganoon na nga talaga ang mangyayari.
Blog Thirty Two: Distance
Start from the beginning
