Helluva boss x Fem Reader

HELLUVA BOSS S1//C.H.R.U.B

Collin: If you were to end your life, you'd be missing all of this!

[Blitzo appears in a tiger costume.]

Blitzo: Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?

[Blitzo does a suggestive gesture with his fingers, indicating sex.]

[Keenie covers her mouth and gasps. Collin blankly stares in disbelief, and Cletus gives a disappointed look.]

Keenie: [gasps] That is so inappropriate!

[Millie Y/n and Moxxie appear in cat costumes. Millie and Y/n show Keenie two middle fingers.]

Millie&Y/n: Oh, kiss our ass, prude!

[Blitzo shoves Lyle aside in the face and sits next to him.]

Blitzo: Anyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close.

[Lyle looks through the binoculars and sees a group of bunnies and squirrels together. The critters are suddenly torn apart and eaten by a pack of hungry wolves.]

Lyle: Oh no!

Collin: [tries to tug his binoculars away] S-S top looking!

Lyle: [holds onto the binoculars] I can't stop! I've never wanted to die more than I do now!

[A bear swipes a wolf to the ground and raises a paw to attack. The bear is then crushed by a falling tree, cut up by a beefy logger with a chainsaw. A beehive lands on the man's head and he screams. Both his arms are chopped off by the chainsaw and his body is skewered by a charging stag as lightning flashes.]

[Everyone freezes in horror, while Blitzo fakes it and grins smugly.]

Cletus: [nervously] Let's go check out someplace else!

[Millie and Moxxie do a fist bump in their cat costumes.]

[Scene cuts to a shopping mall. Lyle, in his bed, is pushed through a wall.]

Lyle: Oh, Lord. Where are we now?! Let me perish!

Keenie: We're here to show you another thing life is worth living for: childhood wonderment!

[Keenie motions to a crowd of kids cheering by a sitting Santa Claus. One kid wears a "Craft Mine" shirt, while another eats his booger.]

Lyle: Why, look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin. Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood... and their middle-class existence. Such simple joy they have. It is inspiring. Thank you for showing me this.

[Blitzo y/n and Millie are dressed as elves, while a grumpy Moxxie wears a reindeer costume. They stand by Santa and a kid.]

Blitzo: Hey, dipshit! Wanna see whose lap you're sittin' on?!

[Blitzo rips off the red robe. "Santa" is revealed as an ugly gnome wearing a "#Cuties" shirt, and then the gnome makes a gnome noise. The kids scream and run. Lyle sobs like a baby as Collin and Keenie cover his eyes. A concerned Cletus pushes the bed away.]

Boy: [off-screen] SANTA'S EVIL!

[Scene cuts to Lyle in bed in the woods next to a wooden sign reading "Lover's Lookout, I guess..."]

Lyle: Eh! This place reeks of TEENAGERS!

Cletus: Lovers' Lookout, sir! We're here to remind you about possibly life's greatest joy of all!

Lyle: [holds up creepy grabby hands] Money!

Collin: No! Love.

Lyle: I've never been in love before. I imagine it's quite nice!