It was stupid of her. It's been a decade, and to think she's still hung up on it... now and then, she stills dreams of him, the same 13/14 yr old face from her memories become vivid in her fading memory. It was mean of god to do that. Giving her a fading memory but rehashing it even after almost a decade.
The last dream was something she couldn't understand. He got married. Was it supposed to be a closure, or was it to remind her that her subconscious is still hung up on him? She doesn't know and I don't think she will ever do. She forgets about him, her everyday life continuing, but he stays in the back of her mind, always. High school wasn't nostalgic for her; to her, it was a bittersweet time. She was jealous of people who had friends from high school.
If the first love was the unforgettable one, as people say, it is to her. It might be because they never talked, or it might be that he messed with her mind in the second half of the three years she spent time with him. She wanted to blame someone, the god or her crush or the people who made her feel ashamed that she crushed on a guy. Someone, so she could be at peace from the haunting memories, but the name and face were seared into her mind. The memories were fading, at least most of them were, but some stayed haunting her of the cruellest period of her life.
The thing she was afraid of was that it was an obsession she couldn't let go of. That she couldn't be more normal. She held a grudge of that time, the people in it, the places and what it could've been. But no answers will ever be given to her. No closure is waiting at the end of the tunnel. She always thought, "I might not actually like him if I got to know him, as the saying goes 'most things look beautiful from a distance' and her mind painted the most beautiful scenery of the person". It was the only way she could stop it from growing into an obsession.
She burned the book when she received it back then from her parents. She watched it burn and hoped for the memory to burn away. The fortunately unfortunate thing then only was her crush did the same things she did. He stared at her, bit his finger between his lips just like she does when she zones out, almost ran into each other, wore the same black and green checkered shirt like she did on her birthday after his birthday and confused the heck out of her with his actions.
I'd say he might have been the cruellest person in her history, or it could be the girls who relentlessly teased her because she liked him. It was a series of unfortunate things, that timeline of her life. She deleted her Facebook account many times whenever she almost stalked his social media. It was a game of push and pull for her heart. Liking him and hating him were simultaneous. No, It is simultaneous.
What is life if people don't have at least one unrequited love? That might be the only answer. And lucky for her, he wasn't hovering in the background; she only had two people on her social media back then and they don't seem close to him or his friends. She could let go of him; one day, she will, thanks to her fading memory. She was sure of it.
She vowed to forget him, a wish she desperately asked the god. Never to dream of him, hear of him or meet him. Her heart couldn't take it if she were to. The synonym to his name and face to her is greed. The revived greed might take her to hell, a trip which she would rather avoid for her heart.
