𝒀𝑶𝑼 𝑺𝑨𝑽𝑬𝑫 𝑴𝑬 // mileven

forty-five

long story short, we never ended up agreeing. words were twisted, hurtful things were said, love turned to resent. and here we are, 8 years later, mike being a major investor in god knows which state and me being a nationally renowned aerospace researcher in indiana.

wesley hasn't been my main focus ever since mike reentered my mind a year ago. i feel like a stalker, reminiscing about bittersweet teenage memories and searching for mike on social media, when mike probably forgot about my existence so many years ago.

mike and i used to speak semi-regularly, checking up on each other during our years in university, wishing each other a happy birthday. to my surprise, around the time i went public with wesley on social media, mike's texts started becoming less and less frequent. likewise, so did mine. and then we just descended back into strangers, like our love never happened in the first place.

wesley definitely noticed my waning interest in him a few weeks into our engagement, and then our relationship slowly began to gravitate towards purely physical. we hardly ever have conversations, we don't go to many parties or events together. it's basically friends with benefits, except for some stupid reason, we're engaged.

do i want to call off the engagement? of course i do. i feel trapped and suffocated being in this commitment, but i'm just so tired. i'm tired of always going back on my word, i'm tired of being flaky and not dependable, i'm tired of having to uproot my life constantly to accommodate for my poor decisions. i wake up, go to work, and then sleep. my life stopped being interesting years ago, and now it feels like i don't have the energy to change it.

and i want to do so many things. i want to talk to max more often, even while we're in different states and she's raising a family. i want to find the love i used to have for my job again. i want to leave wesley. i want to find mike. i want to slap my parents until they feel something close to the pain i've been feeling for the past 25 years. but i just can't, i feel like i have no support, i feel like no one is truly there for me, and i'm not strong enough to do it all on my own.

"i really have to go." i mumble, turning my face away from wesley as i reach behind me to grab my keys. i feel the metal poking into my skin as i gently push wesley off of me, my shoulder brushing his bare chest.

"fine, whatever." wesley sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. his face, the one i used to find so, so attractive. he is still beautiful in my eyes, but  not as beautiful as someone else.

"i'll see you tonight." i say with a quick smile in his direction. i try to make it look genuine but i fear that my eyebrows are too set, my lips are too taut, my eyes are too tired.

"i'm catching a game with the guys actually." wesley says after a moment of hesitation. i watch his throat as he swallows and i can tell that he's lying.

"sure, see you whenever then." i breathe out, immediately feeling that suffocating sensation envelop me once again. i stumble out of our apartment as composed as i can manage, but as soon as the door shuts behind me, i can't hold it in any longer.

i press my forehead against the cold wall of the hallway and my mouth emits a silent scream. a noiseless echo that expresses the worries within me, the immense stress and feelings of failure that never seem to go away. i really thought i would be good at being an adult, after i've been alone for so much of my life, but now it's even harder. i can't be alone now knowing how it used to feel to have someone there for me.