Inside the mind of someone suffering from Major Depressive Disorder.

The reality.

What if this is all just inside my brain? What if I'm the only one seeing these things the way I see them. Is this life even real? It's been hard lately to cope with things and to even gain motivation to even want to be awake. Sometimes I wish I could just erase from the world, go away and hide from everyone and just be away and isolated, it'd be a lot easier that way. Sometimes, the things that bring joy, lose their touch. It's the same with one's mind. Just a snap of a finger and one could forget what it's like to have touch with reality. Life is very challenging and when you actually get the chance to regain that touch, it's overwhelming and tiring. Stress is already at its highest peak so having that again is only going to make things worse.

Feeling lost. No one truly understands what that is or what it means to feel lost until it happens to them. Sometimes, it's like feeling like no one appreciates you, or that no one wants you, sometimes it's feeling sick and exhausted, or sometimes, it simply feels like you yourself, doesn't know who you are. You're a complete stranger to yourself like you once knew who you were but now, you're a nobody to your own self. Your own presence is overwhelming and you feel stressed out by just being left alone with your thoughts. Sometimes the isolation can drive you to insanity but at the same time, being near others is too much to handle and you start to feel closed in. 

Music seems to be the only form of relief anymore. The way the songs speak to one's soul, letting serotonin release, spiraling through their brain letting them have a moment of peace. It's almost majestic how the relief can come in so quickly, yet leaves so fast, leaving no trace behind. Sickening how that's the only time we can feel whole once again. Sometimes talking helps but not really, talking only brings those memories back which then leads to them breaking down and losing it again. Drawing, writing, and music are all forms of relief however, none are permanent, they come and go with each trace, each marking, leaves an impact but never changes one's mind and way of thought patterns. 

What if, there was medication? Of course, you could take, take, take, and take until you completely lose yourself and the last bit of what's left of happiness inside your dull mind, but none of it really stops the pain, none of it really suffocates out those thoughts. It's only a way to take your money but never takes those feelings out with it. Escaping is near impossible unless you're able to pull yourself out of the hole you're digging yourself into.

Of course, you can always hope for something better, something greater in the future but when you made plans to not be alive and you surpass that time, you're stuck, what's there to do now? You're stuck and now you have nothing left of motivation. Yet you try to hold on and try to understand why you're like this. Nothing comes from it though, nothing comes from trying to understand your thoughts, emotions, and feelings, yet you continue and continue until you're in a state of brokenness. You're so broke to the point that, you now run on a "social battery" and once it's out, there's no longer motivation to talk to others or be around others. But at that point, there's no longer any hope left in your life, there is no longer a point in putting effort into a dead end.