eight weeks // larry

Entry 3

do you ever wake up in the morning and wish you hadn't woken up? I feel like this everyday.

I've been trying to improve my self image but every time I look in the mirror and see the ugly disappointment staring back at me, I have an impulse to shove my fist through it, because it has caused me so much pain, I have caused myself so much pain.

Every time I look at myself my stomach stirs with disgust. sometimes i'm so disgusting that I get physically sick.

It's been four days since I've been able to feel the blade on my skin and I'm itching to feel it.

I deserve the pain. I do.

So i did it.

When my mum went out to get groceries, I broke a shaving razor in half and my hands shook when I held the cold piece of metal between my fingers.

I needed it.

I sat on my bed and I sliced red lines on my stomach because it was the once place she wouldn't check.

I need to get the numbness away, I need to feel something. I'm sick of feeling dead but it didn't work, the relief only lasted minutes.

I put a smile on my face and helped my mum put away the groceries, she asked me how I was feeling and I told her I was feeling great. sadly my white tee shirt with blood stains near my belly button betrayed me. she found out that I cut again and the pain in her eyes instantly filled me with guilt.

"How could you treat yourself like this?" she asked "I'm your mother i'm supposed to protect you and prepare you for the outside world, yet I can't even protect you from yourself. You can't keep blaming yourself for his death Harry."

I never asked to be like this, I'm spiraling down a path of self destruction and the end will be my death.

I just want to die. I want to be six feet under and dead. but I can't abandon my mother like that, I'd rather suffer every day of my life then die from my own selfishness.

I excused myself from dinner and I'm now lying in bed.

I'm listening to a sad playlist and drowning in my own self pity as usual.

Zayn called asking if we could hang out and go to the beach, he said there was people that he wanted me to meet. I tried to come up with an excuse as to why I couldn't go but his voice got soft and he said "harry, it's okay if you have scars, no one is going to judge you and if they do i will beat them to a pulp."

That made me smile. Sometimes I just think of how lucky I am to have a friend like Zayn, I love him so much.