2. Co-partnering
The first few months after Carl was born were the most trying months of my life. Rick slid into a deep depression, and I found myself taking care of a newborn in a full-time, all day, every day capacity.
And Lori was still gone.
The last words she'd spoken to me constantly replayed in a loop in my mind, serving as a reminder that she wouldn't be returning to her role as wife, as mother, as responsible adult any time soon.
"I can't."
"I can't."
"I can't."
"I can't."
"I can't."
It was a struggle controlling the rage that those two words ignited within me, but two sets of matching blue eyes always cut through the red Lori made me see. Rick and Carl were why I wouldn't give in to my anger. I refused to let it make me stupid.
I also refused to let it go.
Rick chose to bury his emotions under deceptively blissful memories. Those happier times with Lori worked wonders at keeping reality at bay, and I very quickly learned to tread lightly when bringing her up...
"Watch his head," I instructed Daryl as he bottle-fed Carl.
"I got it," he replied.
"Yeah, I know. Just move your hand up a little more to support his head."
"My hand is fine. His head is fine. I got it," he grumbled, giving me a look.
"'Not supporting the head and neck properly could cause whiplash or torn muscles and ligaments'," I informed him, reciting what I read in one of Lori's baby books. "You really want to inflict that type of pain on your nephew?"
Daryl ignored me.
"Rick, is Carl's head ok or is Daryl paying for a baby neck brace in the immediate future?" I asked.
When he didn't answer, I looked over at him and saw the faraway look on his face.
"Thinking about B.C. Lori?" I asked.
Lori's name snapped him out of his thoughts.
"Lori what?" he asked, sitting up straight in his recliner.
"B.C. Lori," I repeated, remembering too late that he was not familiar with the concept.
Rick stared at me blankly, tilted his head, and slowly squinted his eyes.
Shit!
A head tilting, eye squinting Rick Grimes was never a good thing. I turned to Daryl for help, but he'd already gotten up and was leaving the room with Carl. Typical.
Daryl and I had come up with "B.C. Lori" and "B.S. Lori" theories after observing Rick's different faraway looks. There were two of them: the faraway look with a smile, and the faraway look with a frown. The faraway look with a smile meant he was thinking of B.C. Lori. This was the Lori he knew before Carl was born. She was the Lori who hadn't shattered his world. The faraway look with a frown meant he was thinking of B.S. Lori. This was the Lori who came to be after Carl was born. Daryl and I thought she was full of bullshit, hence...
