POV you get adopted by Bo Burnham

tiMe FoR bOnDiNG

Now that you are in Bo's Van, the wings that were just coming from his back have dissappeared. You realize in this instant that Bo is a very mysterious man, and that it is better not to question him. Instead you buckle your seatbelt and prepare to blast off. You notice that Bo does not wear his seatbelt. Bo notices that you notice that Bo does not put on his seatbelt. He chuckles lightly, turning on the enginge

"I like to live dangerously." He smulders.

THEN HE STEPS ON THE GAS. You fly forward, and clutch the oh shit handle, screaming "OH SHIT"

He laughs, a most maniacal laugh, and continues to race past building after building. He is a man that knows no fear. You bury your head in your hands, and scream, for who knows how long, before a sudden SKIRR

And you have arrived. You don't even see him get out of the car, before he is at your door, prepared to open it like a gentleman. You climb out delicately, and observe the building before you. It is a quaint little house. It is painted almost completely white. It is small. It is welcoming, but there is something deeply sinister about it. You approach with your new father, and he opens the door for you.

"Come INside :)" His eyebrows wiggle at the reference he just made. he just made a reference. Also why does he keep saying "Smiley face" After his sentences.

As you enter, he hangs his top hat on the coat rack near the door. Fuuny, he was not wearing a tophat in the last paragraph.

It is dark inside. The room is very messy. There is a pillow on the ground next to his keyboard, with a microphone laying on it. Several wires lay in a tangled mess on the floor. On the dresser, there are a few cameras, and an assortment of pumpkin shaped candles, shrouded in fairy lights. Weird.

"Make yourself at home." He sings, plopping down in a folding chair. The single folding chair in the room. There is no other place to sit. He does not notice this.

So, you stand, with your arms hanging awkwardly at your sides. Though, to be fair, where else are they to hang? Not wanting to make things weird, you take off your arms and hang them on the coat rack. Beside his top hat.

You then sit next to him on the floor. This makes him happy. He crosses his legs contently.

"Would you like anything to eat?" He asks.

You say no. He crosses his legs again, contently.

"So Sir Burnham..." You ask. 

"Child?" He replies, crossing his legs contently yet again.

"Now that you are my dad, what should we do?"

He rests his chin on his knuckle, which is propped up by his knee. Which is crossed over his other knee thrice. "Hmmm..." He ponders. "Well what do dads normally do with their childs?"

"I don't know," You say, a dark shadow falling over your face. "I've never had a dad before."

This is true, because you were birthed from your toxic abusive mom's egg, and the bone marrow of your toxic abusive mom's nice protective ex-girlfriend. Then your toxic abusive mom's nice protective ex-girlfriend was eaten by a shark on her plane ride to australia and you became ORPHANED because your toxic abusive mom was so riddled with grief she decided to denounce you as he child, making you legally an orphan.

"Poor child." Bo sighs. "Well I am your daddy now and I will never make you sad. You will be my child and I will love you until my chia pet is finished growing."

He glances over lovingly at the chia pet of Bob Ross on his counter. Bob Ross smiles back.

"It is almost your time, Bob." Bo sighs. "Almost."

You are disturbed by ross. You will have to find a way to :)eliminate:) him, so that Bo's love will be yours only.

"Why don't we go to the grocery store, so that we can buy ingredients for dinner. We will make together and bond." Bo suggests, standing up.

He forgets to uncross his legs first. He falls over.

You help him up, and he thanks you.

"Thank you." He thanks you.

"sure." You reply.

He walks to the door, and opens it. The light outside is blinding. An invisible audience claps for you as you leave the house. There is a spotlight fixed on he and you. He ignores it, and continues to walk to the van.

You hop into the passengers seat, and buckle in again. This time, bo Does as well.

"Grocery store trips are a more intimate journey." He explians, rubbing teh steering wheel affectionately. "We will take our time."

He steps on the gas ever so gently, and the van rolls forward with ease. Bo turns on the radio. His song "30" comes on.

"🎵And now my stupid friends are having stupid children," the radio sings. "Stupid fucking ugly boring children...🎵"

You soon arrive at the store.