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to whom i loved so deeply, if this letter ever reaches you.
hi, hummingbird. i'm writing this letter to you at midnight, approximately four months to the day you left me.
i think of you everyday, when i smoke your brand of cigarettes, when i look at the tattoo you got me for my 20th birthday, when my mom gives me that sad smile of hers from across the table. the days i spend alive with the knowledge you no longer walk this earth with me are so long, and so insufferable.
i'll spare you the imagery of returning home, to our home, to find that you've left me with nothing. i am so incredibly angry with you, but i am so upset with myself for ever believing you loved me enough to so much as leave me a note.
tonight, i'll watch your favourite movies. ill listen to our album. i'll celebrate your life, just the way you'd want me to. miserable. there are so many tears on your favourite hoodie, but i can't bear myself to wash it. it still holds the smell of that awful perfume you wore. even in death, you manage to inconvenience me.
i love you, despite these feelings i harbour towards you. you were a light in my life, as nasty as our arguments could get, coming home to you was the richest reward i could ever reap.
i'll message your mom, even though i know she blames me, hates me so deeply. i hate her too, for failing you. she failed you from such a young age. oh, hummingbird. how were you ever supposed to get away from this life when that wretched woman kept you tethered to it? well, i suppose you did.
my sister misses you. penelope misses you, even though you never cared for her. that little girl thought the world of you. i thought the world of you.
some days, it's almost as if i can hear you in the room over, attempting so meekly to prepare breakfast, but managing to slam every cabinet door and hit every hanging pot. i miss your burnt eggs and having to turn the fire detectors off. i miss complaints from neighbours about the noise of us dancing to our album at midnight.
most importantly, i miss feeling so irrecoverably in love with you that i blatantly disregard your red flags, and the fact you never loved me nearly as much as i loved you. i understand and i chose to love you regardless.
maybe that's my biggest mistake, but i'll never regret trying to save you from yourself. i only regret that you never gave me the chance to try.
oh, josie. what am i going to do now?
sincerely, your buster.
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