“Sshh, baby, stop crying. You’re such a cry baby.” He wiped my tears softly using his thumb.
“I’ll wait for you, baby.”
At this point, I found myself in the cemetery, kneeling and crying in front of this particular gravestone. I caressed it, reading the epitaph on it silently.
Nadech Kugimiya
December 17, 1991 - February 29, 2020
My eyes were filled to the brim with tears and a great tremor overtook me. A painful sob escaped my lips, and I covered my face with these shaking hands. My complete hopelessness converted into tears that rain down my face at lightning speed. With trembling lips, I tried to force a smile with tears in my eyes.
“I finally found you. But, why do my first time seeing you again after a year has to be in a place for the deceased? I thought I’d be able to see you again if I keep on waiting. You promised me, didn’t you?” My voice trembled and cracked at the same time, streams of tears flowed down my cheeks faster than my heartbeat.
“Baby, why did you slept for forever? W-Why did you left without even saying goodbye? W-Why?” My heart was flooded with sadness, a great sense of weariness sweeps over me, sucking my energy with it. My mind is a mess right now, I felt layers of unsettling emotion.
“How are you doing up there?” I looked up, noticing the beautiful cocktail-blue shade of the sky was beginning to darken into gravel-grey. Large pillows of cloud were forming, blotting out the old-gold colour of the sun. “Looks like it’s about to rain. Funny how the weather mourns with me.”
Just as what I’ve said, the sky started to cry. The small droplets of water having contact with my skin, and suddenly I felt so cold...and empty. Usually in the days like this, we would have each other laying on the bed, covered with the thick blanket, our heads leaning against each other. He would have his arms wrapped around me, giving me so much warmth and comfort. Giving me tender kisses on either my forehead or my temple every minute. He was my safest place, as well as my serene.
But now, here I am alone. Trying to hold the heartbreak, and I think I could no longer hold it in. I fell, completely laying down on the muddy grass in a disheveled heap as my grief poured out in a flood of uncontrollable tears.
A bright lightning struck on the sky, followed by an overwhelming thunder making me shriek in fear, heart beating faster than it already was as well as my hot wet tears cascading down my cheeks.
I felt so terrified because of the sudden outburst from the sky, while my heart is still grieving in pain. I have no one now. He’s my everything. So losing him felt like the whole world just turned its back from me. It made me feel like there’s no any reason for me to live this unlucky life of mine.
-
His brother explained everything to me, the reason on why I was clueless all this time that he had already died a year ago. Making me realize that I am like an idiot waiting for someone who’s not existing in this world anymore. But at least I kept my promise.
Nadech doesn’t want me to know about his death because he doesn’t want me to mourn for him every single day, he was afraid to make me suffer because of him. He doesn’t want me to be in pain watching him fight for his life. It’s no surprise to me, I guess. Because I am well aware that Nadech hates it whenever I shed tears, saying that I am too precious to be hurt.
It is excruciating to know that the person who once made me the happiest also turned out to be the person who gave me the most unbearable pain.
His brother gave me a letter, informing me that Nadech wrote it for me to bid his farewell, knowing that he can’t see me anymore to even say goodbye. I held it with my trembling hand, while the other fisted itself in a ball as tears were forming in my eyes but I wouldn’t let it fall. I have to be strong. I still have a long way to go -- I will surely have regular battles with the loneliness threatening to take over me.
I looked down on the letter in my hand, thinking if I should still read it or better not. But when I’ve come to think of it, whether I read this letter or not, I’m still under this agony.
Dear My Urassaya,
I’m sorry if I can’t render these words to you in person. Time is running out for me, and any day from now I might disappear from this world. I am unsure of everything in my life at this point. I’m sorry if I failed to keep my promise to come back to you. God knows how much I miss you and how I want to be right back in your arms. But it’s disappointing to know that fate isn’t agreeing with what I want and it’s not in my side. You always say to me that I should always look at the brighter side of things, so now I do. I just think that at least the heavens spared me time to get to know you and love you and be with you, even for a short period of time. I will always be thankful for being able to meet you, the woman whom I loved till my very last breath. You know what? I’m certain that my last heartbeat would still be in sync with yours. I’m honored to have the privilege to spend the rest of my life with a precious girl like you. Thank you for the memories I could keep and reminisce even in the alternate universe, Ya. I want you to keep that lovely smile on your face, okay? I don’t want you to shed tears while I’m not there. I don’t want to be frustrated in heaven watching you crying yet I can’t do anything. I don’t want you to break for me, alright? Don’t be afraid to be happy. I love you, till the very end, it was you.
Sincerely loving you since day 1,
Nadech.
A solemn tear fell down my cheek, my body looking calm compared to how tangled my mind was. My body wracked with an onslaught of sobs and tears. The sound of wailing and suffering echoed throughout the house.
“For you, I will be happy. No matter how hard it was without you.”
Without You.
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