full moon ☾ → n.h.

☾86 | New Year's Eve

"Okay," I squeezed her hand, and she kissed my cheek before she stood up. I remained sitting, still squeezing her hand and looking up to her. "It's just... it's New Year's Eve."

"Yes," she sat back down next to me, and I breathed out relieved because she gave me time and didn't nudge me to go already.

"At his place."

"Yeah."

"That's not a good combo," I blurted out, and Julia slipped her other hand under my chin to turn my head to her.

"Look at me. You can't feel guilty forever for leaving him. Yes, it happened and yes, it happened years ago on this day at his place. I'm not saying that it won't be awkward. Or uncomfortable. But who knows, maybe you'll get back together tonight and right there where you ended things."

"Oh, please," I scoffed and looked away from her as I felt my cheeks getting hot.

"Hey, it can happen! I feel that it will happen."

"Ahh, c'mon Lia," I rolled my eyes and let out a big sigh. "Okay, you know what? We go there, I will see him, it will be awkward, but you'll be glued to my side."

"Yes, you're damn right, babe. I'm here, and you can lean on me, okay?"

"I know," I whispered with a little smile and put my hands around her as I hugged her again. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, Patri. We got this, okay?"

"Okay," I breathed out loudly then let her go. "Let's go."

We spent at least 30 minutes more in my room after I decided that we can go because I wanted to change my clothes first, but Julia didn't let me. Then we tried to fix my cried-out eyes and impression on my face.

One and a half hour flew by incredibly slowly which we spent at The Lucky Green with the boys before we said our goodbyes to each other and Julia, JP and me climbed into a taxi that took us to Niall's place.

I almost throw up on the way there even though I only had a gulp of champagne yet, but I deeply regretted that too because nervousness and the alcohol didn't get along too well.

Then we were standing outside in front of Niall's house suddenly, and I felt like a nauseous, weak mess staring at the oh so familiar gate. I needed another ten minutes in the cold until I felt ready to go in.

Luckily, no one noticed us as we strolled through the door. My legs remained still as soon as I stepped in and they didn't want to listen to my brain. I couldn't move as I stood in his doorway after so much time again and even though the familiar home, Niall scent was nowhere thanks to the party that was going on, the sight of his hallway rushed every memory in front of my eyes again.

„I need to go."

„Please don't leave me."

I left him nevertheless. He asked me not to leave him, and I did it. I did it and regretted it and hated myself for it, and now, I was standing exactly there where I was standing three years ago when I turned around and walked out of his life.

And I had a feeling I shouldn't be here. The feeling hit me so strongly I needed to hold myself up by grabbing Julia's hand, and I almost broke out in tears again because honestly, it was all thanks to me that I felt like this. Niall always welcomed me warmly, provided me with a feeling of wanting me to be there with him wherever we were, even now, after I broke up with him and after I managed to hurt him and ruin whatever relationship we were slowly building up again.

My brain knew that I was welcomed hence I wouldn't have even dreamed of coming here tonight if Niall didn't reach out to me. He precisely asked me to come with Julia and JP, and I agreed partly because I couldn't wait to see him again, and partly because I didn't want to upset him by not accepting his invitation.