Building Blocks - My Rape Story.

'Building Blocks'

 Months passed, I continued to go to school and party as usual Bob and I weren't as close but I told myself it was just awkward after what happened. One day while I was at another close friends house I got a message from Bob telling me his mom was out of town and he was having a party, I agreed to go ignoring the feeling in my gut telling me I shouldn't go. I asked my girlfriend to come with me but she said she wasn't feeling that well and that she wasn't going to come but I could come back to her house when the party was over I was anxious to go by myself but I just told myself it was my General Anxiety Disorder and nothing more. I took a Xanax out of my prescription bottle and popped it in my mouth, once I got to Bobs I walked in and quickly realized that Bob wasn't there and I didn't know anyone at this party. Not even a minute later a group of girls comes up to me and asks me if my name is so and so , I say yes and they say "oh Bob just had to go out quick but he told us you were coming!" they were really nice so it made me feel a little better. The group of girls lead me over to the kitchen where they poured me a cup of  'Jungle Juice' without thinking I drank one cup and then another and then another; now if you don't know you are NOT supposed to mix benzodiazepines with alcohol whatsoever. Obviously I became extremely intoxicated extremely fast, my eyes were getting heavy and my legs were wobbly. Bob arrived shortly after, I quietly explained that I was way too fucked up and I needed to leave. He said 'oh don't leave you just got here' and invited me to sit down on the couch that was in his bedroom so I did, I started to doze off coming in and out of consciousness until I was awaken by someone I did not know at all grabbing my face trying to kiss me saying "you're so cute" I pulled my head away mumbling to leave me alone and to my surprise they listened.  Freaked out and uncomfortable I stood up and started to walk around looking for Bob, one I found him I told him I wasn't comfortable sleeping on the couch with everyone around and that I was going home. He told me he'd kick everyone out of his bedroom so I could sleep and that he had a key so I could lock the door once I was in there and he'd leave it locked for the rest of the night. Unfortunately young and naïve me believed him, I waited for him to kick the last few people out of his bedroom and then I went and passed out into a deep sleep until I was abruptly awoken to a stranger on top & inside of me. It was not Bob, it was the guy from earlier. I was trying to move but the weight on top of me was too heavy and I kept floating in and out of a conscious state. I laid there silently crying, not moving. I had been broken, I had let myself down again. I wanted to die right there in that moment. I wanted nothing more than to not be. I laid there thinking those thoughts until I fell asleep for the rest of the night. Again I told no one. 

 Fast forward to Sophomore year I was no longer me just a shell of someone who looked like me. I was skipping school for months at a time,  doing hard drugs and going on month long benders. I was self harming and pushing anyone who truly cared about me away. I wasn't going to let anyone take advantage of me again. I chewed guys up and spit them out like dime store chewing gum. I was promiscuous and cold when it came to sex. Anyone who wanted to respect me and treat me well was ignored and any guy who thought they could play me was played harder. My boyfriend at the time had ended up hearing from one of Bob's friends that Bob had taken my virginity after I told him he was my first because in my head he was. I did not count my rapes as part of my body count because I wasn't a willing participant in the sex but even after I explained what had happened he didn't care. He said it was still my fault and that I was a whore , slut etc... Eventually I had enough of it and left, a few weeks after the breakup on Christmas Eve I went to check my social media where I found private conversations and photos I had shared being posted and shared all over Facebook and Twitter. People I didn't know were messaging me telling me to kill myself and calling me a whore. I had finally had enough, I opened up my Spotify app on my laptop and hit shuffle; Nirvana ironically came on (maybe its just me but I find some dark comedy in that) I walked over to my closet and opened the door. I grabbed a tie belt and made a Neuse, I put it around my neck and took a step off the stool...Blackness is all that I remember next and then I hit the ground. The belt had snapped, my body was tingling all over the place and I was gasping for air I was so lightheaded that when I stood up I immediately fell over. My throat hurt bad, my airway was swollen and then it hit me. I just tried to kill myself, if that rope didn't break I'd be dead. My baby sisters would have been left to find their big sister hanging in a closet on Christmas Eve, my grandparents and mother would have been left to cut my lifeless hanging body down from a fucking closet bar. I couldn't hold it in I busted out in tears and ran into my sisters room collapsing onto the floor. "I just tried to kill myself" I said and it was silence. She was in shock, my mom and I had been fighting right before this and so when her and my grandma heard the bang from me falling downstairs they thought I had just dropped something or slammed it down. I remember when my mom heard what I told my sister she was mad, really mad. She yelled at me and turned around and called the cops on me. I was in the hospital for two days and then was released into a mental facility for 18 days, when I got out I went right back to the partying and being self destructive. Right before Sophomore year ends I started hanging out with my now current boyfriend of 4 and a 1/2 years. We both struggle with mental health issues and rough upbringings/backgrounds and we bonded over our stories, unfortunately for the first 2 and a 1/2 years of our relationship we were heavily addicted to all opiates but especially pressed Roxy 30's and 80's laced with Fentanyl and Heroin. Eventually I opened up to my boyfriend about what happened to me after years of night terrors and PTSD attacks, I've gotten drunk and in the middle of having sex reverted back into that mind frame of being raped and have freaked out and started hyperventilating during sex hitting my boyfriend and kicking him. I've had periods of time where I can't and don't want to have sex for months and after all of that he's not cheated once or left me. I guess I'm just adding this little bit to the story so that if any young girls are reading this going through something similar they realize that not all men are monsters like I thought and that they are worthy of a love from a man like the one I have and healthy relationships do exist. There are men out there who will listen to you and respect your bodily autonomy. I am now 20 years old almost 21 , going to school, in my own apartment , sober ( except for weed y'all we can't all be saints ) and for the most part .. Happy. 

 I'm not sure how to close this story because well quite frankly, this is still a story in the making. I think I just needed to tell some of my story and get it out there.