broken || outerbanks, jj

twenty seven

i couldn't tell if he had tears in his eyes, or if i was just seeing things. but he actually felt like that. jj felt like no one cared. he felt like his friends didn't care.

part of it was because of me. because i came back.

"kie?" pope tried.

"don't." kie moved away from pope. "i'm going home."

"no, come on." john b tried to grab kie's arm.

"don't fucking touch me, john b."

kie gathered all of her things and walked out of the chateau, the door slamming behind her.

"i should probably go asw-" i started while getting up.

"no, you aren't going anywhere. the moment you step out of this house, you are going to over think, you are going to think this was some how your fault. it wasn't. you are not leaving just to be alone again. okay?" pope said, grabbing my arm.

pope's face was set into an anger look, but when he looked at me, when his eyes connected to mine, his face showed that he cared. pope always cared about me.

"okay." i quietly said while nodding. "i'll stay."

"good." pope let go of my arm as i sat back down.

"but," i said to the two boys. "you have to tell me exactly what jj did when i left. exactly."

"cooper."

"no i'm serious. i swear i won't shut you guys out, or run. i just, i need to know." i looked at the two boys as they looked at each other.

"fine." john b nodded.

john b and pope both sat down. pope next to me and john b in the chair. they kept looking at each other waiting for the other to start talking. neither of them said anything for a while.

"after you left, jj went on a drinking spree." john b started, looking over at pope, "he, um, he was always drunk. from the moment he woke up to the moment he went to bed. at first, it was fine. i mean, he was always with us so we knew he was safe. then he started to get physical. he took a lot of his anger out on me." john b looked over at pope.

"john b and jj would get into punching matches pretty much. anything could set jj off. a simple joke and john b would be on the ground." pope continued. "after a while, we tried to get him to stop, but he left. we didn't know where he had gone. we figure he went home, to his dads. but after snooping the place out, we realized that he wasn't there. we honestly couldn't find him." pope shrugged.

"that's um, that's when kie had brought up the idea of checking your house. so after school one day, we had went to the camerons to see if maybe he was there. we found out pretty quickly that he was. for about two weeks jj was staying in your room. he was sleeping in your bed." john b looked up at me after just fidgeting with his hands.

"i mean he was safe though, right?" i asked the two.

"he was. all he really did was sleep. he drank and slept. that was kind of his day to day thing. but one morning rafe had found him in your room. in rafe's eyes, he thought jj was stealing, so he beat jj up pretty bad. jj was covered in blood from head to toe when he showed up at the chateau. he wouldn't tell us for the longest time what happened. he just had us help him clean himself up and that was that."

"did rafe tell ward or anything?" i asked.

"we don't think so. ward hasn't said anything to us or his father." pope answered.

"what happened after that?" i nodded at them for them to continue.

"we asked jj if he could stop drinking one day. just dial it down. he ended up doing it. it was like 2 or 3 beers on the weekends, if that." pope replied.

"he was hurt, cooper." john b looked over at me, "and seeing you is hard for him."

"he is going to take his anger out on you, even if it's not your fault. even if you haven't done anything wrong in that moment, he'll find a way to take anything and everything out on you." pope had a small frown on his face as he told me that. "that's why, when he burst out like that, we can't have you running away. we don't want you shutting us out because you think that he is mad at you. he isn't. jj could never be mad at you. he can be hurt and he can blame everything bad in his life on you, but he doesn't hate you."

i wanted to say something. i wanted to have a reply to everything they said, but i had nothing.

i felt confused. i felt annoyed at jj and at everything that has happened. i was annoyed at myself for not knowing what jj went through. i felt annoyed that jj fell in love with me. that i broke a single human just by leaving.

how do i, lexi cooper, make a person break that bad? i'm just one person?

was jj really that in love with me?

was i really in love with jj?