Don't Hold Back(BoyXBoy)

Chapter 8

“Jason!” The voice snaps me to reality. Chad is staring at me with a look that says what the hell are you thinking about.

“Yeah?”  I question as I turn back to my cereal drowning the last of the milk, before setting the bowl gently back onto the table.

“Do you want to go to the mall with me today, I heard there is a new sports store there, we can go and check out the lacrosse gear if you want, maybe get some new net for your stick, and some lacrosse balls.” It surprises me that Chad wants to hang out with me, why would he, I was just the moody kid that came to live in his house, because his grandfather died, but it felt good and I wanted to get out of the house.

“Yeah that would be awesome.” I nod standing to go get my shoes. When I’m done tying up my laces I meet Chad at the front door. We head out to his truck, and as we head off down the road he plays The Beastie Boys over the radio. He starts to sing and freak out like some sort of addict, but it just makes me laugh and the ride to the mall suddenly feels friendly and calm, which I’m glad for, I don’t know what to do in silence sometimes, it makes me nervous, but other times I prefer it over questions.

Once we reach the sports store we enter and head to the back where the lacrosse gear is. Chad starts helping me decide on string and I realize he knows a lot about the stuff. This makes me curious, why did he know so much did he used to play. I ask him as much and he smiles. “Yeah I used to, but I wasn’t very good so I quit my sophomore year, it was fun though, I still have my stick maybe we should play sometime I can help you practice.”

“Practice for what?” I question confused.

Chad looks at me curiously for a moment before gesturing to the lacrosse gear, “Aren’t you gonna try out for the team?” When I don’t respond he smiles, “They could use a middie like you” My eyes scrunch up in curiosity, at this Chad grins widely, “I hear your fast!”

This make me smile, yeah I was pretty fast, back at Lewiston I was known for my speed, but not only that I was also known for my strength and my ability to transition the ball from defense to offense faster than anyone had ever seen. My coach always told me I could go pro, it was a good thought, but I honestly have no desire to play pro. Lacrosse is just a fun time occupying sport that keeps me active which maybe I need now more than anything else. It could help distract me from Caleb.

“You can also play goalie can’t you?” chad asks with a smile.

Blushing I look at the floor, “Yeah I’m pretty well fitted for any position but I like middie best, I like running on the field, gets me more active you know?” Chad nods then turns to the netting on the shelves. He points to one and looks at me and I nod with a smile. This felt good, someone I could talk to who didn’t feel completely foreign. I wanted to be around someone who made me feel comfortable more than anything. Around Caleb I always felt on edge, and angry, I had a right to. He was making me feel wrong, wrong and disgusting. He should stay away from me and never touch me or talk to me or look at me for help.

Chad and I walk around the sports store looking at things here and there for a while longer before we head to the register and Chad insists on buying me my gear. I had money, I had a lot of it too, my grandpa had left me all of his inheritance once he died. Most of the money had been put in an account that wouldn’t open until I turned eighteen, which wouldn’t be long, but there was still a good amount that was left for me to spend however I wanted. Still Chad seemed like he really wanted to do it, so I let him, insisting that I would by lunch.

The two of us sat down at a booth after we had ordered our Chinese food, chad of course dug in without a second thought, but I ate carefully letting every taste settle before I took another bite. As I ate I stared at the people around me, mostly the men. I was curious, if I was turned on by Caleb, could I be turned on by other guys too? I’m not sure what scared me more, being attracted to every guy I saw, or being attracted to just Caleb. Caleb scared me a lot.

My eyes landed on the boys that walked past, most of them not noticing me, some of them looking at me and thinking I was staring at their girlfriends they would pull them tighter against their sides possessively. This made me chuckle inside; I don’t want your retarded brats! Caleb was enough. As soon as I thought it I regretted it, and I almost choked on a fork full of Low Mein, but Chad started to pound my back as he offered me water. I took it gratefully gulping the cold liquid down.

“What were you thinking about?” Chad laughed.

Blushing I looked away from him and continued to eat my food, “Nothing.”

“Well you should probably refrain from thinking about Nothing, while you eat, so you don’t kill yourself.” He chuckles. Nodding I look up to glance at a guy, my eyes fall onto his ass. It didn’t look that great, I mean Caleb’s ass felt perfect, and it fit right into my hands as if he was made for me. Shaking my head I looked over at Chad who was staring at nothing. Sometimes he zoned out like a weirdo, but I think that he has really deep thoughts sometimes. He just doesn’t say them out loud because he is afraid of what people might say.

“What are you thinking about?” I question calmly taking another swallow of my water.

Chad shrugs, “I don’t know, Caleb I guess.”  My eyebrows rise. Caleb, how was this kid slipping into conversation even when I didn’t want him to. It’s as if no matter how hard I tried somehow everything still came back to him.

“Caleb, why?” I ask innocently but secretly wanting to know everything. Chad shrugs again and turns to look at me, “Didn’t he seem like he was acting weird yesterday, I mean maybe it doesn’t seem weird to you that he would go running, but he never goes running, like as in ever.” His eyes squint in suspicion. “Sometimes I worry about him, I know he doesn’t like to be called a girl, but sometimes I think that he is a little bit careless, and he just trusts anyone he comes across.”

My mind flashes to the party and how he was pinned beneath Collin on some stranger’s bed. My eyebrows scrunch up, then not wanting to think about him I shrug, “He’s a man, he can handle whatever comes his way I’m sure, he certainly has enough spunk, he could probably kill his attacker with his sarcasm.” Chad laughs at this for a second, and then falls quiet again. We sit in silence for another moment before he turns to me.

“How are you doing?” The question shocks me.

What does he mean?

 He couldn’t possible know anything about what Caleb and I did, or more like what I did to Caleb since he was drunk off his ass “Like you know, with your grandfather passing away and all?”

I take a breath of relief, but I think it comes across a bit differently to chad, “That bad huh?” I shake my head, “No, I mean it’s still hard, he raised me basically my whole life after the death of my parents, but I knew he was sick, he was constantly in the hospital or in bed. I guess I feel like I had a warning you know, a precursor of what was to come.” Chad nods.

“Well, I know it must be pretty weird for you to have to move in with the friend of your mother’s family, and I know that Caleb can be a little bit frustrating but he doesn’t mean it, mostly.” He pauses in thought, “I think we might have met once when we were like way young like four or five or something, I don’t remember that well.” Smiling I nod.

“Yeah I don’t really remember either; I think maybe we were all too young.” Chad agrees then he grabs his tray, and I stand and grab mine and we both walk to the garbage can to toss our trash. When we turn around to leave Chad taps my arm. “Hey isn’t that your friend over there?” I look up only to see Collin Sanders with a few of the other lacrosse players. My eyes narrow and I turn away. Why did the sight of him piss me off? I mean it’s not as if Caleb was my property, in fact he was anything but. I didn’t even want Caleb, so why couldn’t Collin have him? For some reason though I still didn’t want Collin around Caleb. Was I acting like a child with his favorite toy? Maybe, but I didn’t really care. I don’t care what Caleb does, as long as he doesn’t go frolicking around with that freak. Even if Caleb is straight, I have a feeling Collin wouldn’t care and he would do whatever he wanted to him. “Jason?” I hear Chad question.

“No, I don’t know him at all.” Then I turn away and head for the entrance of the mall Chad trailing in confusion behind me.