every day i wake up and i miss you a little bit more. i hear your voice in my dreams, you never truly leave my mind. despite that, i still forget your face every now and then. but i still remember all the freckles that dot it. i still remember the way you would blush every time i'd kiss your hand.
i remember the way my hands felt braiding your hair before you went out to get take out. i don't even know how to braid hair now. i feel bad for leaving you so soon. we had plans, big ones. all you wanted to do was live in normalcy and fade into obscurity with me by your side. i did too, honestly. but that was a dream far far out of reach for us.
the only time we really ever felt as ' normal ' as everybody else was when we sat on our balcony, and ate lunch together. i feel so terrible for working all the time. i wish i had spent so much more time with you. i remember when we got into an argument, so i sat in my dark room with only the lamp on my desk on. i sat there and angrily scratched off lottery tickets that you had bought me. i didn't even win a dime. i don't know why we were even arguing.
nobody can fill the spot you did. every day it's like waking up into a home i don't belong in. i wake up into a world full of people i don't know. i don't want to know them either. i just want you. i want to sweep your pink hair out of your face, and tuck it behind your ear again. i wanna see your smile when i talk. i can cut my hair and dye it all i want. i can workout until i lose my breath. but i can never be me again.
the day before i was defeated i sat you down and i told you we may not make it. i told you this might be the last time i ever see you. and you said it was ok. you said you wouldn't mind dying for me. but you were spared a much worse fate, and i thank god for that. i thank whatever god is watching that you were spared the hell that is giorno giovanna's stand. i don't know where you are now. but i know that someday i will return to you.
i would die 1000 times over just to see your smile again. to walk along the streets of italy late at night, and go to some sleazy pizza shop. i miss you like no other. i long for you like i'd long for a lost lover. that's exactly what you are to me. so close yet so far. you're just barely out of reach to me. you are somebody who seems distant in my memories. my worst fear is forgetting you.
someday i will buy you another bouquet of your favorite flowers. i'll plant our garden full of forget-me-not's in honor of my return. i'll set the table with our favorite meal. i've heard so many people say i'm ' ruthless '. but to be fair, all i ever wanted was to be with you. to let myself become vulnerable was such a hard thing to do, but never when i was around you.
