spam // misc and chats

snippet #1: maybe in another life

    "Be honest," he said softly as he stared unblinking at me.

    His eyes. His fucking eyes; they were the same sea green I stared into between the sheets as the soft golden sun rose and dusted over them in the morning, the same sea green they were when his smile reached his eyes and his lips brushed against mine as hours ticked away. They were beautiful sea green and full of life, life that I had brought to the front, life that he didn't know he had in him, happiness that he didn't know that he could feel. It was a damn shame that I was going to be the one to take it away.

    "Be honest about what?" I asked through clenched teeth. My jaw was fastened almost as tightly as my hand was on the goddamn thing I had pressed against the soft skin of his forehead.

"Did you love me?"

Chasing after him through the empty streets of the night, ally after ally, turn after turn hadn't taken my breath away but those words, those four simple words made me feel as if my lungs had never felt a breath in my twenty seven years of life.

"What do you mean?" I spat, my hand squeezing impossibly so. "Of course I loved you, love you. I love you."

A sad smile crossed his face and god how I wanted to reach over and kiss it off his lips like I'd done so many times before. His eyes made contact with mine, or maybe they never left, but the nausea bubbled in my stomach.

"But?"

"What do you mean but?"

"It isn't enough is it?" Finally the water building up in his beautiful eyes spilled over, rolling down his cheeks. I couldn't tell if he was crying because he was going to die or if he was crying because I was going to be the one to pull the trigger.

"Maybe in another life-"

"Stop."

I sucked in a hard breath. I wasn't lying. In another life I could have dropped the gun and held him in my arms, brushed away his tears with feather soft touches and kissed away his fears. In another life he could have lived with me, stashed away in my room where I'd keep him safe, where no harm could come about him because they'd have to go through me and I'd never let a goddamn thing touch Elliot Diaz.

Except myself apparently.

"Look at me when you do it," he hissed, the tears dripping down his chin. If I could tear my eyes away from his for a second I would have seen where they fell to the floor.

He was doing that thing he did when he tried not to cry harder than he already was. I flexed my free hand, it was itching to wipe the tears off his face.

"I do love you," I repeated as I cleared my throat. Everything was burning, my arm was burning from holding the gun, my chest was burning from looking into his eyes, my face was burning from where he was staring at me and my throat was burning from choking back tears. I'd never cried in front of him, of anyone, before, it wouldn't have been fair to do it then.

"You don't. I know you don't because if you did you wouldn't be doing this."

"This isn't about you!" I protested as my arm shook.

He needed to stop talking. He knew me, he knew how to get under my skin, in my head. It was just as they said, he was bad and I had a job to finish.

"Then what's it about?!" He was screaming, his voice cracking as more tears ran down his cheeks. "Please enlighten me!"

"You know." My voice dropped low. "You know exactly what it's about."

He put his arms out to his sides, his final surrender. The fight in him was gone. I gave him something to live for, something to stay for and that was going to be the very thing that fucking destroyed him.

It was destroying me.

"If you love me as much as you say you do, put it down."

I barely trusted my voice to work.

I took a deep breath. "I mean it, maybe in another life we could have been something. I love you in this one, bu-"

"It isn't enough." He repeated, the sea green in his eyes fading out and turning grey as the hope fizzled out. I hated it. I wanted to look away. I couldn't look at him when he looked so...so defeated. He knew it was over.

It was true. What he said was true, but I couldn't agree so I just swallowed hard. I knew I had to but it felt so wrong. It felt so wrong but holding him felt so right, gently cradling the back of his head as our lips danced together and his small hands fisted in my shirt.

The thing was, there would be more like Elliot. There'd be another guy with sea green eyes and a smile that made the world seem so big. There'd be another that would make my heart skip a beat when he danced into the kitchen while the sun was barely awake and there'd be another that left goosebumps when his arms slipped around my waist. There'd be more guys who kissed like flower petals, impossibly soft and sweet and there would be a next guy who I would love just as much as Elliot. Or so I told myself.

"You're right," I said, the emotion was missing from my voice. "It isn't enough."

When I pulled the trigger I didn't close my eyes. I made sure to watch the green fade from his until it was nothing but a milky white. They were no longer the eyes that stared at me in the morning until I blinked away, they were no longer the eyes that I craved to see at the end of each day.

I couldn't breathe as he hit the ground. I did it, I knew, but it still came as a shock to me.

After I collected myself, I bent down on the cold floor, the metal brushing my knee. I carefully slid my fingers over his eye lids and dragged them closed.

My lips barely brushed his forehead before I stood up.

"In another life, I would have loved you more."
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random angst snippet from my google docs. I want to interact with you guys more so that's why I have this little spam book. I will
hopefully be updating my main books soon but as you know I've been very sick so I'm posting my drafts.

love you all

x