me when

how i fucking killed god

i took a gun and fucking shot him

did you know that god is in fact not bullet proof

turns out he is also identical to my son who turned blue and fucking died

i have never once seen a christian, i feel like theyre like shiny pokemon where people say they catch them but its actually just a mod apparently shiny pokemon are actually real and so are christians which would've been valuable information 15 seconds ago but who care

did you know that humans dont have teeth, its just your brain telling you that you have bones in your mouth

bones in your mouth more like boner in your mouth are you fucking gay

i dont know who this man is he looks like my grandson who i love very dearly, i haven't seen my husband in 54 years since he died in the war.

one time a literal fucking toddler fucking stole my phone and decked me, he said "ayo bruh you got games on that shit?" and i was like "fuck no fuck you you dumbass bitch baby" and then he fucking yoinked my shit and greased it.

never in my years since being born in 1802 have i been disrespected in such a manner, and i fucking went on a car ride with JFK

mother fucker's head just exploded for no reason like wtf you had to do that when im there too? you fucking dickhead. 

one time my dad tried to fuck Joe Biden, don't know what that was about but it was funny,

my favourite band, i dont know who they are they just make funny sounds lmao

one time i worked at pizza hut and some fuckbrain asshole tipped me with a bag of coins filled with mozzarella, never fucking have i ever been disrespected in my life so hard like holy SHIT that mozzarella was fucking neon brown.

sometimes you can smell the difference between ketchup packets, and by comparison can figure out what restaurant they're from. now the ketchups i got here smell like they're from mccydeez

mccydeez nutz

when my first wife left me all of my fucking asshole hair fell out and entered my urethra and holy shit that was a fucking odd experience let me tell you my entire dick fell off at that exact moment.

one time a fucking crow broke into my house and started dropping sticks and shit into my sink and like that fuckin bitch was loud it was like "CAW CAW" and "GIVE ME MY MONEY BITCH YOU OWE 34K" and im like yo wtf this crow wildin' lmao

please send help im scared

yo wtf is up with water like that shit go slhrpruhpudpruhpruhph and my body is like "holy shit my arms burn" yeah my water is fucking opaque thats how you know its the good shit.

one time i was outside in my yard and i saw this hugeass fuckin rat in my garden and i called pest control and they charged me $450 for securing a bengal tiger like ok wtf i called you to get a rat not a bengal tiger are you ok

dookie dookie dookie dookie fresh

its not a good song

one time i opened up a wine glass of bleach and put beef juice in there and drank it and  it tasted like dookie fresh

indian food (like curry) doesn't smell bad

one time i fell out of a bridge and i smashed my skull on a rock and my brain turned black.