impermanence

The beginning

When you have a family that constantly moves you tend to be more distant to people in real life knowing you wont know them for long. You get used to the idea that nothing is permanent. You are afraid to get attached to anything. But when  you finally think you are done moving and done with change and you actually try to better your life with friends and a hopefully permanent high school, you tend to get suspicious that something bad will happen. It did, the moment you knew was coming had finally arrived.  Everything you had feared your whole life all happened in one year. Finally thinking you are allowed to make friends you are forced to stay home. You are forced to say goodbye to 2 of your pets that you loved way too much because they were one of the only constants in your life. Saying goodbye to your great grandma that influenced you to do something cool with your spare time.  Forced to say  goodbye to a school that you were promised was gonna be permanent. Forced to say bye to friends and teachers you were excited to spend years with. All hopes you had for a future gone. The first time I actually felt like i was at peace was stripped away from me in one year. Then when you move to where you were forced to go to you get a new puppy that you are scared to even slightly like. You know deep down she wont replace everything you've left behind. The worst part is that you feel like you are alone. You feel like no one else knows what you are going through. You are too scared to ask for help because you don't want anyone to worry about you. You want someone to reach out so you can finally feel wanted somewhere. You know it wont last long but you have  hopes that maybe just maybe someone will finally understand what's wrong. You are so scared that this life you are living will never be normal. That you will never know what it's like to be "normal". normal kids don't go to 4 different schools for high school. They Haven't lost as much as you. The impermanence in your life is the only permanent thing in your life.