To My Almost

PROLOGUE

To My Almost - Prologue

I wondered if men were well-aware that girls always had that one guy whom they can never ever move on from.

But, truthfully speaking, I never got the chance to experience that one "boy" in the twenty-six years of my life. Growing up from a really conservative and religious family, it was hard to fall in love carelessly. It was difficult to choose whom to love. Although they were a lot supportive in whatever aspect in life I went through, I became different from other normal girls. Not that I wasn't normal, but I was brought up with a clear mindset to never enter a relationship with having no plans of marriage.

Then, God gave me Andrew. He wasn't so hard to like the way that he is. He was living the idea of a man I longed and prayed for to God. My parents loved him and for sharing the same beliefs, their fondness for him grew even further. He was faithful, intelligent, pretty handsome, and more than what I could ever ask for. I was really sure of marrying him because he was so patient with me throughout the years of my growth and maturity.

Not until the moment he got down on one knee, I wasn't more uncertain than I ever was with life. I was confused, for a moment. I started to carry pressure. He was there, smiling at his very best, looking up to me with that one question.

"Will you marry me, Brielle?"

I was speechless. The tip of my tongue held the answer for yes. My eyes started to panicked and looked at everyone else surrounding us. They were all expecting the answer I was hesitant not to utter. Smiles plastered on their faces were all visible to me. I did not know I can possibly be horrified when I was asked that query.

The long deafening silence was gradually noticed. I did not respond for a while. Confusion started to fill his eyes. My tears started escaping to my cheeks. I could not answer him. I was not very sure what to.

"Drew, pasensiya..."

That was the cue. I had no courage to look right into his eyes at the moment. He closed the ring's box. I helped him to stand up. He looked devastated, after knowing my answer.

"Can we talk? In private... I guess." I shyly proposed the idea. He nodded.

I looked around and I saw the judging looks of people around us. I immediately avoided their gazes. Thank God that my parents weren't here because it was my friend's birthday party, or I cannot imagine the humiliation I'll bring to them. Some here I do not know, or I just barely know of.

We walked away from that scene and silently went to the garden. In an empty space, I was the first one to open up the conversation.

"I am so sorry. I feel like I am not ready for another big chapter in my life. I- I don't know, Andrew. There's so many plans I really want to fulfill, not just for myself but also for God whom I loved my whole life."

His face really expressed sadness. I couldn't feel guiltier than declining him, but he doesn't deserve an answer that I was not sure of. He tried to smile at me. Alam kong pilit iyon kaya napaiyak na naman ako.

''I understand that, Brielle. I am not against it. But what I don't understand is, why can't you ever include me in your plans?"

I was shocked. Again, I did not know the right answer to his question.

''You always tell me that I should wait for you and I have waited patiently, haven't I? My heart is grieving because Brielle, don't you think your man couldn't handle it in anymore longer? Do I have to wait for forever and miss a lot of opportunities because my love has become possessive and I'll do whatever it takes to be with you."

Humagulgol ako dahil ang mga salitang kaniyang sinabi ay tagos sa aking puso, na alam kong kalianma'y hindi ko naisip. And I am very guilty with the truth.

''I love you and I am so in love with you that I wanted to share the same goals, the same love, and also the same pain with you, Brielle. Pero, why can't you also do that to me?"

My mouth opened to answer but he did not let me speak as he was bursting into tears.

"Tell me, am I becoming selfish, Brielle?"

Umiling ako habang humahakbang palapit sa kaniya para yakapin ito nang mahigpit.

''No, Drew. You aren't. I am. I'm so sorry."

He stepped back, and that's what hurt me the most. The guy who followed me crazily for almost a decade is now going to stop chasing me.

"I know and I understand what it is for. Your plans, your dreams. All of it. At nandito lang ako para suportahan ka. Magagawa mo rin naman iyan kapag kasal na tayo. But eight years, Brielle. 8 long years. Hindi pa ba 'yan sapat na panahon para pagdesisyonan kung kaya mo ba talagang pakasalan ang minamahal mo?"

My breathing stopped. I could hear my heart pounding wildly.

"Brielle, call me a jerk or whatever would satisfy your feelings but sometimes, a man also knows his worth. I think 8 years was enough to love you wholly, but I think you have never loved me the way I did. I will promise to cherish it, until our love remains only a memory in my heart."

My knees weakened at his words. I am such a fool! "Andrew, pag-usapan naman natin ito, please. Huwag iyong gan'on na lang."

Nilingon niya ako at ngumiti nang bahagya. "I am setting you free, Brielle Adelaide. I wish you the best."

Napaluhod ako sa sakit ng nararamdaman ko ngayon.

I just realized that I couldn't handle what I prayed for.

I did not cherish and give much attention to him. I was so self-centered and focused with the betterment of my growth. But, I will respect his decision on our relationship. And I also think that it is best, for now, to set myself free from the pain I will much receive from our breakup.

He became the "guy" that girls, way back in my college days, referred as to someone you could never ever move on from. Even if you'll meet another guy that you could possibly love again and end up with. You'll always love that "man". And it will be another painful secret of mine.

"Adhara! Handa na ba ang hapunan natin?"

Months have passed and I have begun to accept the fact that Andrew really walked out of my life. He was gone, and I had to start my life again. It was not so easy. When my family received the news, they did not scold me but instead, I received the comfort that I really needed that time. They told me, it was okay to be weak sometimes because it gives you the power over strong people to offer their care for you.

I kept stalking him on social media after that night, constantly. I saw that Andrew flew to Spain in order to find himself again, according to the caption of his post in Facebook. There were a lot of comments, both negative and positive, but negative comments were just flooding and Andrew did neither react nor reply to them which gave me a breath of relief. I sometimes even wondered if I regretted that decision of mine. My mind is telling my heart to grieve but then, I just couldn't.

Weeks after, another shocking news left us feeling excited. Finally, my best friend, Julia went back to the Philippines after she decided to take a break at halfway fulfilling her goal in travelling the world. I was all smiles when I heard the news. She hasn't been home since we were kids and now, I'll get to see her in person again.

She'll be staying for dinner and finally, she'll introduce to us the one she has decided to marry. As per description, he's also a Filipino, quite handsome, tall, religious, and almost as the same age as ours. He reminded me of him when he described him.