Of Obsessions and Possessions

Reflection (Episode 7 & 8 Recap)

'I am not willing to be like any other Monos.
You have taught me about colours, brought me joy and then experience the loss...

So, Go Yoo Han, — I won't make you miserable...
Never.'

As the noose that slipped over my head weightily rests itself around my neck, there was an indescribable tranquility that settled within me. As though the invisible weight of fear that I was carrying, was finally getting lifted. All that I feared was finally laying to rest.

And with the fall of a single tear, I was resolute to see this till the end.

'Goodbye, Go Yoo Han...'

-.-.-.-///-.-.-.-

Drifting aimlessly in the never-ending abyss, I was accompanied by the kaleidoscope of all the colours Yoo Han taught me.

But for something so beautiful, it was dismally heart wrenching.
— For it painfully reminded me of the one who now held my heart in his hands.

I never wanted to wake to the all-familiar world of grey again. Now that I have come know of colours, the greyscale was as devastating as the colour itself, — bleak and without life.
Not too dissimilar to my life right now.

When Aunt said that no one else but us knew that I was here, there was a rush of relief that washed over me. But in its wake, left a gaping hole where my heart should be.
— The kind that neither saddens nor evokes any sort of emotions for that matter.
Just hollow emptiness.

If my life was void of colours before, now it was devoid of emotions as well.

I went on with life, day in day out with little concept of time.
Time was a meaningless measurement to a dead soul amongst the living.

I couldn't care less for sustenance, either.
Only the pills prescribed to me.
That was my only mean of 'gauge', — 'for when needed' as prescribed on it.
Which was pretty much every minute of my waking hours; —

For when I think of Go Yoo Han.
For when I remember the colours he had shown me.
For when I recall his number that was engraved deeply in my head.
For when I feel the wind caress my cheeks the same way as he did before.
... And for when I look in the mirror and wonder, — why he wasn't here by my side...
— I would reach out for the inconspicuous bottle of white pills, and throw back a few.

Whether I was subconsciously depending on drugs to forget Go Yoo Han, or intentionally overdosing myself in hope to fall into an eternal sleep, — I couldn't tell.
All I knew was that being alive right now was a torture.

As it is, I am nothing but a shell of my former self.
Therefore, — I could't really decide if I should thank my aunt for saving my life;
— Or not.

The night Go Yoo Han came through the hospital window, I was both elated and afraid;
I was as desperate as much as I despaired.

"You shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be with you..."
— I didn't know whether I was repeating this mantra for his benefit or for the sake of my sanity.

"Of course, you can, silly..." he confidently affirmed without even a sliver of hesitation.

When I said that, — "If this was a dream, I will never wake from it then,"
— I meant every word in every sense.
However, when colours came rushing back into my life, I wondered if this dream was truly a nightmare in disguise.

The liberating feeling of running away with Yoo Han was a fantasy that I dared not even allow myself to dream. But as we traveled miles away on the bus to the beach, reality seemed so far-fetched, — it was surreal.