It's Doctor

You found me

Nothing looked good, probably because i wasnt hungry. But I was thirsty. I noticed a bottle of wine that had barely been opened, probably only opened for one glass. It was cheap, but it fulfilled my need to get buzzed on the occasion.

I shrugged to myself and grabbed the bottle knowing in the back of my head I should be eating instead.

Too lazy to grab a glass, i just took swigs from the bottle while checking my phone.

Spencer being on a case wasn't quick to respond.

Can I talk to you? I don't feel great rn :(

Not expecting him to pick up for a while, I  tossed my phone to the other side of the couch and huffed out an agitated breath as i leaned my head back staring at the ceiling.

Out of no where, a pit in my stomach formed. I got that overwhelming feeling of anxiety rush to the front of my head and i winced. Bringing my fingers to the bridge of my nose i pinched and squinted to try and get rid of the head ache.
I reach over to the coffee table to where I put the wine bottle and lifted it to my lips. I took a long swig finishing about half of the large bottle. I could feel it rushing to my head but the feelings were not stopping.

It was worst for me to think when I got like this. Anything that would come to my head would just be negative. But a last i thought.

God y/n this is pathetic
Your the oldest of all of your colleagues and they don't even respect you
And now your relying on Spencer again?
God he's probably so fed up with you and your bullshit

Tears threatened to fall as i quickly stood up to shake out the thoughts. I wobbled to keep my balance and i scanned the room for something to distract me. It was when I was scanning i realized i hadn't taken my meds last night

Shit that's why I feel like crap

I grabbed my phone to see if Spencer responded and he hadn't. He might have been on the plane because he said the case would be ending the last i talked with him.

I stumbled to the bathroom to open the medicine cabinet to look for my anti-anxiety medication.

While i searched, as it was not in its usual place, i saw the small orange bottle of painkillers i had from a couple months ago when I  had a really bad back injury. The doctor gave me a lot, expecting a long painful recovery, but I didn't want to get hooked so i only took some for the first week and then just stuck to Advil.

I glanced over the bottle but i found myself looking up at it again. That's when the thoughts started rolling in.

What if you....

No. No. I shook my head forgetting the thought and quickly shutting the cabinet forgetting the reason i was even there in the first place.

As I nursed my wine for the next hour i had found the bottle was nearly empty.

Shit I didn't even notice

I peered at my phone again seeing no text from Spencer.

It usually wouldn't upset me this much but in my drunken state i broke down in tears.

I sat on the couch with my face in my palms sulking over how hopeless I felt. I felt like my life wasn't going anywhere and never will. I felt like i was putting so much pressure onto Spencer to take care of me. He would resent me for it later, he only did it because he felt like he had to.

Stuffing my phone in my pocket, I ran to the bathroom to splash water on my face.

The compulsion came back and this time i was too late to block it out.