my thoughts

1 am

Time is fading. Over the last few months I have realized the devastating effects of time and how fast it passes. Living in the moment, unaware of the terrifying fact that our lives are meaningless, insignificant, and wasted. As I lay here at 1 am on a school night it hits me hardest. Tossing and turning for hours, lost in my intrusive thoughts and scenarios hoping for a break from this exhausting life, terrified of the concept of time and how we spend it. Dance in the rain, go on spontaneous trips with your friends, scream your heart out at a concert, wear that funky outfit. Do it. Don't live your life based on other's expectations which you'll never meet. My whole life I've been degraded and told I'm not good enough. I say enough. Their words have gotten to me to the point where I feel emotionally detached and broken. I don't even know who I am anymore. I feel like I can't escape. I feel like I'm trapped and all I want is for one person to reach out, just to know if someone cares, or even notices that every day I'm getting worse and worse. It's like a loop in my head. These thoughts, telling myself that I'm not good enough, and that I never will be. I've wasted the past 6 months of my life, struggling to face reality, hibernating in my room in hopes of avoiding the outside world, barely able to leave my bed in the morning, plastering a smile on my face. I don't even remember the last time I was happy. It's almost like a dream: happiness. Like it never happened. It's like I'm drowning, unable to reach the surface even though it's an inch from my grasp. I just want to be free. I want to live my life and not be left behind by my selfish thoughts and hopes. I want to tell others how I feel, but I fear they won't understand , that they'll judge me. Deep down, I know that they won't, but I have this nagging fear that overwhelms me every-time I try to reach out. I can't call for help, I can't do anything. So as I lay here at 1 am drowning, I dream of the day I break the surface. Breathing in the fresh air like it's the first time. That feeling of euphoria one has when on a roller coaster. I dream of a world where fake smiles aren't the norm and everyone treats others equally, like a friend, even strangers. When did we get so broken? Emotions so fragile, the slightest look making me hold in the tears. It's a never ending loop: people trying to reach the surface and never getting there. Just hoping that one day maybe things will change, but they never do. In turn, wasting their lonely life trying to meet expectations and the approval of others and never quite making it. Drowning.