Thinking Out Loud

December 11th, 2020

Song: I Feel Like I'm Drowning - Two Feet 

Do you ever want something so bad that it hurts? 

As positive as I want to be in thinking that I might actually have a shot at this, I'd like to say that I am doing a fantastic job at it. I've been attempting to live by this mantra I have written in my bedroom, "positive mind, positive life". Fingers crossed. This morning I decided that I would take some time in making myself feel good emotionally and physically. To start off a good day, I strongly recommend Starbucks, an iced coffee will always help ease your nerves.

 Maybe I'm just addicted. 

I arrived to work and went straight to my office after greeting everyone good morning. I was sitting in my office, anxious, nervous, and scared. It has been a few months of having hope in myself and my position. You have so much hope that you begin to believe you have what it takes, that you are capable of proving others wrong, and the willpower to be where you know you belong. You think about making your family proud and how thrilled they'd be for you. Especially when they have this perfect imagine of you and they believe that you will succeed in everything you do. That's all you want right? To be able to make your family, friends, your boyfriend/girlfriend, everyone proud. How will you deal with knowing that you let yourself and those you wanted to make proud, down? 

Honestly, I don't know. I thought I would've figured it out. I thought I'd be able to have an answer, but I don't. How does one deal with rejection? Please, tell me the secret to it because I'd like to know.

When my manager walked in and began with, "you are an extremely smart girl, but you're so young", I knew. How can you not? But I let her continue anyway while I zoned out. While she was talking, all I wanted to do was yell. Yell because I poured my heart into this job to keep this position, quit my previous job,  tried proving myself to everyone that I have what it takes, but it wasn't enough. I was "too young". 

Whatever that means. 

However, I knew it wasn't her fault, obviously. It was mine, it was my own expectations that let me down. I knew it wasn't anyones fault, but I still couldn't help the anger I felt towards those who told me I could do it. I wanted to tell them they were full of it, but it just wasn't their fault. I guess that one of the hardest pills to swallow because it's not right to go around blaming others. I couldn't be upset that they believed in me. 

I began to think of those I let down. This was an opportunity to build myself and my career. 

After she left, I felt the tears coming down my face. I tried to hold it together, but I knew I was basically in deep shit. You might think, "boo hoo, she didn't keep the job. Just find another one." You're right, but life isn't always easy for everyone. The grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I sent the last of my emails, packed everything off of my desk, turned my badge in, and left the office. It hurt knowing I was leaving all these amazing people.

As I walked to the parking lot, I got in my car, let the tears flow down my face, and drove myself home.

What am I going to do?

I felt so lost.

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Hey guys! I know I jumped right into this, but this is my style of writing and I hope y'all enjoy it! I want to be able to connect with all of you and hear any similar stories you might have. I'd also like to get to know everyone who takes time to read this. 

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- Des xoxox