If You Miss It

25. pass by

warning: very brief mention of suicide, depressive episode.

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CHAPTER TWENTY FIVE

PASS BY

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Sleep was exhausting.

Dmitri didn't think the day would come when he would be the one to think that sleep, the one thing that he always relied on when he was bone deep in exhaustion, was exhausting.

It was almost predictable, though.

After spending four days in a routine; waking up, brushing his teeth, sometimes showering, sometimes spritzing on some cologne and calling it a day, showing up to work (which always went by in a blur), and crashing right back into bed, there wasn't much that wasn't exhausting. Sleep, included.

The worst part of it, though? The fact that he couldn't bring himself to talk to the three people who wouldn't judge him.

Eden, Trinh and Tariq.

Over the past four days, he hadn't said more than four different sentences to Eden, just repeating the same sentences, his words a broken record on loop, over and over and over.

I'm not hungry right now. Can you check on Juno? I'm going to bed, sorry, we can watch the show some other time. I'm sorry.

Those were the four sentences he had put on replay, until his tongue had finally given up on him and he just stopped talking to her altogether.

To make things worse, he hadn't said over two sentences to Tariq. The one person who never failed to cheer him up with his ridiculous fucking sex jokes and his constant anecdotes of the people whom he tattooed and pierced.

Can you please fuck off? I don't want to deal with this right now.

The numbness somehow, somehow outweighed the regret that took over when he spat those words at Tariq.

However, everything that had taken place over the past four days was still better than his state today.

Today, he couldn't even bring himself to get out of bed. No matter how much he tried, no matter how much he cursed himself in his brain.

And he knew that Eden would worry herself sick, because today was a Sunday, and he wasn't leaving his room to go to church, despite promising her that he would try his best to do so. Despite making a promise to himself that he would try his best.

He was trying his best. But it seemed as though his best wasn't enough.

Nothing seemed to be enough to convince himself that he wasn't the same person that he was three years ago, that he could get out of bed without crumpling to the floor, that he could brush his teeth, because he hadn't brushed them the previous night or the previous morning.

Zeus had given Pandora a box, and told her not to open it. She opened it anyway, and evils were cast onto the Earth. That was what he told his class when they were discussing Greek mythology, just as a side discussion because one kid was particularly obsessed with Greek mythology. It had nothing to do with their lesson, but he taught them anyway.

Now, his own fingers were itching to open his box.

He knew that it would happen eventually, but he didn't want to be around to see the evil. There was too much of it, more than anyone could imagine. No one deserved to see that.