Be My Baby Boy

Dead and Deader

"You know, Thor thought we were brothers," Wade said. "I never had a brother. It would be nice. We could braid each others' hair."

Sam Wilson took a look at Wade's bald, scarred head, visible through the gaping holes in his mask, then ran his hand over his own sharply buzzed black hair and snorted. "Right. We're not brothers."

"Sure we are, blood brothers, look!" Wade pointed at the blood gushing from his severed leg all over Sam's winged suit. 

It had been a hard battle. And the Kevlar that Peter had lovingly attached on the inside of his suit only covered his main arteries from the top of his head to just below groin, leaving his arms and legs bare. "How am I going to run if you weigh down my legs? Or shoot if I can't lift my arms?" Wade had insisted. Here was the payoff. Quick karma.

"Bleeding all over me doesn't make us blood brothers. And we're not native American."

"Oh," Wade said sadly. "I have died in the arms of enemies a million times. It would have been nice to die in the arms of my brother just once."

"Wade --"Sam started, but Wade died before he could say anything more. "For fuck's sake."

When Wade came to, Sam was staring at the tiny translucent foot and toes his severed leg was already growing from the stump. "That is the weirdest shit I've ever seen."

"You're still here," Wade said, marvel in his voice. "Does this mean...?"

"We're not brothers," Sam warned. "But I couldn't just leave you dead there alone."

"Oooh!" Wade suddenly squealed. "Don't tell me you have the hots for me! I'm so very flattered, you're hot as hell, and you have, like, the fifth best ass in the Avengers, but I'm faithful to my spider babe."

Sam swore and let Wade's head thunk to the ground.

"It goes, baby boy, Thor, T'Challa, Cap and you."

"I didn't ask!" Sam yelled as he walked away.

"You know what this universe needs, it's more hot lady superheroes in spandex. I mean, there's Romanoff, but she would rip my head off if I even thought about how she looks like in that suit of hers," Wade mused.

"Leave me off your lists!" Sam yelled over his shoulder.

"I hate to see you leave, but I love watching you go!" Wade's voice called after him and Sam couldn't help but chuckle.

"I heard that! You totally love me in a really bro way!" Wade squealed.

Sam flipped Wade a bird over his shoulder. Wade let his head fall on the ground, momentarily happy. Then he fiddled with his belt and popped out of existence.

Peter was in their condo, just finishing doing the dishes, when he heard the tell-tale small pop and turned to look. "Wade! How?! You just went to get groceries! Awww, no blood on the new carpet!"

"Oh, sorry," Wade said and tried to get up only to flop back on his back when the still growing leg gave away. "The blood is mostly dry, anyway. And I was on my way to that place Bucky boy mentioned in his ginger cookie recipe when I saw someone use a net to bring Sparrow down. I couldn't let someone do that to my brother. And he held my hand while I died."

"Wade, you died without me? You know I hate it when you do that," Peter said, his doe eyes doing a number on Wade's insides.

"I was barely dead for like half an hour, babes."

Peter gathered Wade in his arms, lifted him and put him gently on the couch.

Wade went starry eyed. "I love it when you carry me bridal style." He started humming the wedding march.