An Unreasonable Amount of Pilots: A KiriBaku Story

Chapter 7

< CW - Panic attack, depression, anxiety, graphic suicide description >

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be normal. To not wake up in a cold sweat, screaming in the middle of the night. To not have the urge to rip my skin open until I stop feeling anything, floating mindlessly in the black waters of the shallow end of death until I'm forced to return to reality. To not wish I was dead most days; dreading waking up the next morning and having to survive the day, again and again, and again. To not hate myself so much I can't even imagine the thought of someone being able to love me.

What would it be like, I wonder, as I sit on the floor of Kirishima's room at 3 a.m., crying silently so as not to wake him up. The nightmare I had had moments before is still fresh in my mind, flashes of my mom's body lying in a bathtub with slit wrists, her eyes wide open and wholly white.

I clench my teeth together and try to survive the onslaught of thoughts, knees pressed tightly against my chest, body shaking so hard I feel as though I could break apart any second. Not again, not again, not again. I try to focus on the stinging pain from yesterday across my legs, giving me a faint respite.

One, two, three, four, five... I start counting, trying to distract myself enough to calm down. Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

Breathe Katsuki.

I can get through this, I've done it before countless times. Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

I want to... cut again; I find myself craving, planning out how I could hide it from Kiri.

NO, you absolute dumbass! I think, pressing my fingers to my temples. Remember what that did to Kirishima, I CANNOT do that to him again. Out of the question. I just have to deal with this like I always do, bracing my way through the pain by myself until it subsides or I get rid of it in some other way.

Wait a second though... I'm not... Alone anymore. I have Kiri now.

I take a deep steadying breath and climb back onto the bed, crawling over to where Kirishima lays sleeping. Before I can back out of it I tap him on the shoulder lightly. "Kirishima."

He grumbles a little and turns over, pulling the blankets with him. "Kirishima," I whisper louder, my voice cracking as another tear rolls down my face. "Kirishima!"

He turns over again blearily, rubbing at his eyes until he sees my tear-streaked face, freezing in place as his eyes grow wide and panicked. "Bakugou, what's wrong? Are you ok?!" He chokes out as he sits up quickly, running his hands over my arms and legs, looking for any blood or injuries.

"N-Nightmare," I say, my broken voice crumpling into a sob. "C-Can I just.." I reach for him and he understands, pulling me into his chest and wrapping his arms around my shaking shoulders. He slowly lays back down, bringing me with him, and curls his body around mine. Warmth envelops me as he pulls the blanket back over us, instantly banishing the chill that had crept into my hands and feet. "I'm glad you woke me up, thank you," He murmurs against my hair while rubbing gentle circles into my back. "You can always wake me up, ok?"

I press my face into his sweatshirt and nod, holding him tighter.

I have no intention of ever letting this boy go.

I wake up the next morning to startling coldness, opening my eyes to find myself alone in Kiri's bed. I sit up, missing his warm embrace and wondering where he went, yawning widely. I haven't felt this rested in years; I seem to get weeks' worth of sleep whenever Kiri holds me.