Squire (Male x Male) (Wattys Shortlist 2021 & 2022)

Chapter 12 - The Flow Of The River

"Will you not say something?" asked Richard anxiously.

I swallowed the lump as much as I could and looked up at him, my expression blank.

"You wrote this?" was all I could find to say.

"My heart did," he replied earnestly.

A shiver ran down the back of my neck when I noticed that he was looking at me the same way I often looked at him.

Richard believed it was love, but how could this be real? I had learned that he was eccentric and a romantic, and it was more likely that he was in love with the idea of being in love. After all, he was a prince, and I was just his attendant.

"How can you possibly be in love with me?" I asked disbelievingly.

"It is my heart that leads the way. You must know as well as I do; we cannot change the way the river flows. The best we can do is follow it and hope it takes us to where we need to be."

I held out the paper on which the poem was written.

"This is a dangerous river to follow."

"Perhaps," he agreed. "But too late for me to avoid. I have already been caught in its current. Sebastian, please believe that I did not intend it to be so. I sought only a companion; someone I could talk freely to. I did not choose to be consumed by constant thoughts of you, but find that, against my will, I am guilty of such a transgression. I have tried to swim upstream, against the flow of the river and defeat these demons, but they fight back with twice my strength. I can fight them no longer. Can I hope that you feel the same?"

"Would it make any difference?" I asked incredulously.

"Of course! Then I might taste your sweet lips as I have in my dreams."

His large brown eyes pleaded with me. The man I had fallen for sought to kiss me, and the temptation to capitulate to him was stronger than any I had had before. Nonetheless, our hands were tied.

"It is possible that these feelings cannot be tamed," I replied, knowing that I certainly had failed to tame mine for him. "But acting on them? That is something to consider very carefully. We may not be able to choose the emotions, but by choosing the actions, we may choose the consequences."

Richard shifted closer to me.

"The consequences are worth it," he implored.

"The consequences involve capital punishment, Richard!" I stood up and stepped away from him backwards, frustrated. I pointed to the poem. "You must see that this is not worth our lives."

"Death comes to us all eventually," he replied easily. "I aim to live as my authentic self before death comes for me, even if I must do so in secret. Why extend life if you can never be satisfied with it or derive genuine pleasure from it? Give me a curtailed and happy life rather than a prolonged miserable one. And so, I have committed myself to enjoy your company to every extent that you allow it, or that I can persuade it of you."

I sat back down slowly. My head was spinning, wondering whether this was another one of my ridiculous daydreams or whether the man I was in love with was genuinely trying to sway me into being physically involved with him.

Did I want to? Absolutely.

Was I prepared to risk it? I could not organise my thoughts enough to know.

In fact, forming any kind of coherent sentence seemed beyond my grasp right now, but I felt I needed to say something.

"Richard, if you are asking me for more than just my companionship, I cannot ..." I struggled to work out how to finish that sentence, so I changed it. "I swore to uphold the law and serve my country."