Squire (Male x Male) (Wattys Shortlist 2021 & 2022)

Chapter 9 - The Kiss

Early June brought warmer weather and lighter evenings. The flowers and blossoms of spring made way for the summer blooms. An abundance of scarlet poppies and sky-blue cornflowers sprang up in the fields surrounding the castle, amongst the summer wheat. Vibrant butterflies flitted between them looking for sweet nectar. The trees stood tall and proud, displaying their best verdant hues.

The main disadvantage of summer was that the hot sun made physical work more tiring, and most of my work was physical. Luckily there was always plenty of drinking water available for the castle staff and occupants to refresh themselves. The horses, too, needed fresh water, and I tried to ensure that Shadow and Nutmeg were kept hydrated.

It was on one of these glorious days that, after finishing lunch with Annabelle, she made an unusual request.

"There is something I have been meaning to discuss with you," she said. "Do you have a little time to walk with me?"

"Of course."

We stood up and I offered her my arm. She threaded hers through mine and we started towards the castle gardens. Pink clematis clung to the walls and colourful pansies lined the flower beds.  As we entered the lush garden,  the buzzing of bees filled the air.

"I love the end of spring. The flowers are so pretty at this time of year," she said.

"They certainly are," I agreed. We continued walking, watching the bees and butterflies dart between the roses. "Did you have something on your mind, Annabelle?"

"Do you ever think about marriage, Sebastian?"

"I must confess that I do not," I admitted.

There was no reason for me to, after all.

"My older sister was married last month, so there has been reason for it to be in my thoughts recently," she explained. "Sebastian, I know it is unconventional for a maiden to initiate such conversations, but I wondered how you might feel about us courting?"

"Us?" I recoiled slightly at the suggestion. "You mean, you and I?" She could not have missed the shock written on my face.

"It is not such a preposterous notion," she squeezed my arm gently as she giggled a little. "We are of a similar age and we are clearly fond of each other. I think it could work."

I could think of one very good reason why it would not work.

But as we walked, I pushed that thought aside and considered more fully what she was proposing.

Annabelle was possibly presenting me with my best chance at a normal life. She was pretty, kind, thoughtful, and she was correct that we enjoyed each other's company. I could not think of a maiden more suited to me than she was. She would make a good wife, and all she was asking me to do was try.

Could I really dismiss this opportunity so easily without giving it a chance? Perhaps I just needed to make more of an effort with a girl. To try harder to like women instead of men.

"I cannot fault your logic," I smiled encouragingly at her. That was not so bad for me to say, and she seemed happy with my response.

"Good," she replied, squeezing my arm again and paused our walk to face me. "Does that mean I might kiss you?" she asked timidly.

Anxiety unexpectedly gripped me at the thought.

"I am not sure ... I mean, I have never ..." I started to admit.

"Neither have I," she interrupted, encircling her arms around my neck. Mine slipped awkwardly round her waist. "I think we just ... have a go."

Maybe willpower would work, and my head could make my heart see reason. By kissing her, perhaps I could make myself believe that she was the right choice. I moved my head towards her to let her know I was willing.

Her lips reached forward and touched mine, and it felt very strange indeed. Not unpleasant, but not quite 'right' either. Like something was missing. Our lips moved against each other a few times and I closed my eyes, hoping that might help me to engage.

Richard's face immediately appeared in my head, and I took a step back, realising this was not working the way I had hoped.

In fact, it was not working at all.

"Are you all right?" asked Annabelle, clearly concerned with a hand on her arm.

"Annabelle," I replied, taking a deep breath. I owed her an explanation for backtracking, but I was not sure how much or what to explain. I put the palm of my hand against her cheek. "You are the sweetest girl I know, and I have come to care for you deeply in the short time we have known each other. Any man would be lucky to call you his."

She waited patiently for me to continue, as she could see I was still trying to find words.

"After what you suggested, I hoped that man could be me," I continued. "But life is so cruel and unfair, Annabelle. Against my wishes, I am in love with somebody else. You have no idea how much I wish it were not so. It makes so much sense that you and I should be together, but it would not be fair to you if my heart is elsewhere."

I looked at her earnestly, hoping that she understood on some level that I could never love her the way she wanted me to.

"The one you love – she does not return your feelings?" Annabelle's voice was warm and sympathetic.

I shook my head. "No," I replied. "I cannot imagine my feelings will ever be returned. And yet still, they are there. No amount of logic or reason can wish them away. Trust me, if I could bid them adieu and take your offer instead, I would do it in a heartbeat."

Annabelle smiled kindly.

"I understand," she said. We started to walk again, back towards where our work awaited us. "So, who is the lucky lady?" she continued.

"I would rather not discuss it," I replied. "I am trying to focus on other things. Anything, in fact, to take my mind off it. I thought kissing you might help, but it did not. I am profoundly sorry if my own confusion has resulted any distress for you."

"Sebastian, all is well," she assured me. "I am not in love with you. You are sweet and I thought if we had the opportunity, we might, in time, fall in love with each other. I care about you, and I sincerely hope you can win your lady. She would be foolish not to lay some claim to you."

"Thank you," I replied. I desperately wished I could love Annabelle. If I could ever escape the pull of my own gender, she would be the first person I would look to marry, and I wanted her to know that. "If I am ever free of these chains that bind my heart, I will seek you out," I said, and kissed her on the cheek.

"I will hold you to it," she grinned.

The conversation turned back to the joys of summer, and I walked her back to the kitchens before resuming my own tasks. For the remainder of the afternoon I contemplated how much simpler life might be if I could have found a way to love this beautiful creature the way she wanted me to.