Think About Me

Chapter 9: Drifting Away

"Carter?"

I freeze. It's partly because I'm annoyed that this perfect moment is being interrupted, and mostly because of all the voices to hear right now, this is the absolute worst possible one.

"Just a second," I call frantically as I throw myself out of bed.

I'm panicking, questioning how Tyler could have possibly got inside my apartment. And why didn't he knock? But it's as I'm pulling on the shorts and camisole that I collect from the floor, that I notice Jude watching me, and I falter a moment, trying to understand the look on his face.

There's a small, lopsided smile on his lips, but it doesn't touch his eyes. He also makes no attempt to stay out of sight, or even to cover himself properly. He just lifts his hands and tucks them behind his head, watching me scurry about the room.

"I'll be right back," I whisper to him, my hand against his chest, pushing him softly into the mattress. It's a promise, but it's also a warning.

Stay put. Don't leave.

The understanding in his eyes gives me enough confidence to turn and make my way into the hallway, to address the issue at hand.

The front door still stands open just a crack, and Tyler hovers in front of it awkwardly, his eyes on the floor, bouncing between the articles of discarded clothing. My cardigan. Jude's coat and shirt and boots.

"How'd you get in?" I ask him, trying to distract him from the evidence of my unfaithfulness.

But the damage has already been done, and his focus doesn't move as he answers languorously, "Door was open."

I silently berate myself for making such a stupid mistake. I could've sworn I shut that door. Then again, my attention had been whole heartedly elsewhere. I'd been more interested in warm skin and satin lips and the soft whisper of shared breaths. It's a miracle, really, that I even thought to push it closed at all.

"I thought someone broke in," Tyler continues, his voice still slow and distant as he bends to pick up Jude's coat from the floor. And then his eyes finally rise to meet mine and I can see that he knows exactly what's happening here, but he still asks, "Is there someone else here right now, Carter?"

I hesitate, my teeth clenched, and I see how his shoulders sag because he knows. He has to know. Maybe he's holding out hope that I've got some crazy explanation, but if that's the case, he's going to be disappointed.

"Tyler... I'm sorry," I say, because I don't know how else to start.

He exhales sharply, as if the truth has finally slammed into him like a punch to the gut. He drops the coat and brings his hands to his face, groaning loudly behind them.

"And I was really starting to fall for you."

I don't know what I'm supposed to say to that. Of course I thought that was probably happening -hinting at moving in together was a dead giveaway- but I don't like how he's saying it now. It feels like he's throwing it in my face, like him having these feelings toward me is my fault. I've got enough guilt. I don't need any more.

"Listen," I begin, stepping closer to him so I can keep my voice low. "I really am sorry. And I need you to know that you didn't do anything wrong, okay? You're an amazing guy, and you've always been good to me. I've just felt like... there's something missing here. And no matter how hard I tried to find it... we just don't have it."

"But you have it with him," he concludes, his eyes darting to my bedroom door.

He doesn't look angry or even sad, really, and I begin to feel relieved, because as terrible as this situation must be for him, he seems to understand.