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Chapter 5

I felt nauseous, as if someone had punched me in the stomach. I held onto it and leaned forward on my seat, convinced I was going to throw up the piece of pancake I had eaten this morning. I wanted to object to everything Miss Stevens was telling me but felt myself go numb.

"That's not possible." I felt like shouting the words out but I only had enough energy to whisper so I tried again. "That is not possible." I looked at the ground, now trembling, and then at Miss Stevens. "Why are you lying to me? What are you getting from all this?" It was beyond reasoning and I was now feeling violated of my own mind. Someone was playing with my brain, but not just anyone, this so-called friend was using my vulnerable state to manipulate my thoughts.

"Just think about this please. We don't have much time." Her previous authority in her voice had vanished and she now seemed to be begging almost, pleading. For some peculiar reason, I remembered the night my father left; how my mother begged him to stay, but he chose to abandon his duties for his own selfishness. He let me down without a goodbye. I was not going to be like him. I would not let Kris down because of my own stubbornness. I slowly nodded my head and began to process her words. Kris had said my mum had taken my phone five weeks ago.

"You said mum had taken the phone five weeks ago. I don't understand; just yesterday I had been shopping with her and I clearly remember I messaged Jade about the cute dress I bought for the party...the party!" A few of the kids from high school were having a party tonight which Jade and I were both invited to. "I am really sorry. Jade and I have to be somewhere tonight so can we please hurry this up?" I looked up at Kris with pleading eyes, hoping she would give in as I had to her request, but all I saw were eyes covered in grief.

"Judice, I don't think you realise the seriousness of the situation. We are talking about your mind." When I did not respond, she looked right at me with her sorrowful eyes and stared for moments. I did not think she knew what to say or how to say it but I was surprised by the next question she threw at me. "Judice, do you know what the date is today?" It was amazingly simple yet very different to the questions she had asked me so far that I did not understand why she chose it.

"Of course I know." I lightly added a little laugh to try and make the tension in the room dissipate but when Kris did not smile, I began to wonder if something was actually wrong with me. She seemed to wait for my answer with her eyebrows knitted together. "Today is the 31st of December." I said it smugly, knowing I had proven whichever theories she was thinking about, wrong.
However, as I looked at her, wrinkles began forming on her forehead. She could no longer look at me for some reason so averted her gaze down to her feet. I had not realised until that point, but she had taken her shoes off sometime before. She gave a sad smile as she looked down at her bare feet.

"I love the feel of the carpet on my skin. The office pays for all the furnishings and interior decorating so they got the best rug they could find." I noticed her smile grew bigger, but only faintly. "It is so soft, it sometimes actually tickles my toes." She absentmindedly began to rub her feet slowly along the dark rug. "You know, all day long, I have to wear those stupid heels because I work here, and I have to look the part. When I wear those heels, my feet are lifted from the ground, and I no longer feel as if I am walking. Instead, I lose my sense of being...my sense of reality. When I feel this carpet without wearing the shoes, I remember who I am. Did you know, I used to live in a town far out of the city?" I gave a slight shake of my head so she continued, "Rooseville. That was the name of the place I grew up. I remember I would always dream big and hope that one day I would be able to work in the big buildings of the city." I saw her smile at a distant memory and she gave a quiet chuckle. "However, when I came here, I left my family behind, I left my father. We used to own a farm back in Rooseville and when I came to the city, my father was left behind to take care of the land all by himself. I don't know how I did that, but it was the most stupid mistake of my life. I regret it every time I walk into this building, every time I walk into the elevator, and every time I step into this very room. I regret leaving my father behind every day I wake up and every moment I live." Kris' voice was becoming deep and hushed as I saw her silently wipe a tear from the corner of her eye. "Three weeks after I left, he died. The doctors said it was cardiac arrest which killed him and that he knew it was coming. They said there was nothing I could have done." There was a long pause and as I watched her, I realised she was deciding whether or not to continue. She finally spoke again but this time it was barely audible. "I still feel responsible." She finally looked away from the floor and up at me. "You see, when you and your mother came to me, seeking help about the separation, you told me you felt as if you were responsible for what had happened. I knew right then and there, the only way I would be able to live with myself would be if I helped someone deal with a similar situation to me. I helped you and a part of me resolved, but there will always be the other part which will never be able to forget. However, I feel that if I help you get through this, it will allow me to withstand the guilt of circumstance. Do you understand?" I did not know what to say. This woman, who I had barely known had opened up to me, so I quietly nodded. "Take off your shoes." I was confused as to what I should do. I looked at Kris and then the rug. Finally, I began taking off my flats and slowly made my way to sit on the couch. The rug beneath my feet felt calming. I pressed my feet firmly into the rug and understood what Kris was trying to tell me about reality. As I stood on the smooth rug, I was standing on stable ground. There was no longer any shoe sole or material in between me and solid ground. I slowly shut my eyes.
This was real.
Kris sat down beside me and continued talking but I kept my eyes shut. I felt warm and fuzzy all over because of the snug carpet but chose to ignore it for the time being to concentrate on what Kris was saying. "Judice, do you feel in control of your life right now?" It was a strange question to ask but I was growing accustomed to her weird choice. I nodded once. "Do you feel like you are in reality now?" I nodded once more. "Do you truly believe you went shopping yesterday?"
To my astonishment, I found myself shaking my head.