The Little Book of Autism (And Other Neurodivergencies)

A Story about Meltdowns

I have been struggling to write about meltdowns and shutdowns, and this morning it occured to me that hey, I'm autistic. I have meltdowns. Maybe a good starting point would be what meltdowns look like for me, and my experience with meltdowns.

I am going to be writing another chapter about this, because everyone's meltdowns look different and this won't entirely explain them. But, maybe knowing what they feel like before I tell you more about them will help you understand.
To my autistic readers, if you think reading about someone else in a meltdown state will upset you, please don't read this. Also, trigger warning for self-h*rm. Take care of yourself and hopefully I'll see you in the next chapter.

Back before I actually started finding out what being autistic meant, outside of bad at socialising, I used to have what I called mental breakdowns. It felt like shit. I had to get away from other people, I would cry uncontrollably, I would throw stuffed toys, pillows, etc. across the room, and as I got older, it might involve self harming. This all came with intense emotions, and a want for it to just stop. I would be very tired afterwards, and usually had a bad headache.

What I was actually experiencing was a meltdown, but I never knew what those were. I've always had the ability to recognise them, but I simply thought my brothers were angry, or my sister extremely upset. I didn't realise that didn't happen to everyone.
Once I learnt more about autism, I thought I had shutdowns more often- I couldn't remember ever having a meltdown. But, as it turns out, I did.
Another thing that I've struggled with is whether it was a shutdown or a meltdown. Often my meltdowns lead into shutdowns.

Nowadays, knowing more about myself, I take my needs more seriously and have more avoidance strategies and how to take care of myself after and during them. I don't self harm anymore, and while my mental health isn't amazing, I am doing better now.

I will be posting another chapter on meltdowns, how to cope for autistics and how to help for NTs. For now though, this is my experience with them. Thank you for reading, and I'll catch you in the next chapter.