On a rainy Wednesday afternoon, I find myself in the lobby of April’s plastic surgeon’s office.
“I had no idea you got a nose job,” I tell April.
“I think I need a revision surgery. My client was a bit rough with me last night and I feel like my cartilage collapsed a little. Nothing too serious but I feel slightly uncomfortable when I breath in and out.” I stare at her face. I’m concerned about the bruise on her nose. But still, her nose looks perfectly straight and delicately shaped with the tip slightly tilted upwards at an ideal 105 degree angle. Not too big, not too small. Nobody would deny that April is a beautiful girl.
Sinking into the couch and crossing her legs, she asks if I’m happy with my face. “On a scale of 0 to 10, how objectively beautiful do you think you are?”
I look at her incredulously. “Seriously?” I’m drawn to her disarmingly honest and daring personality but I didn’t expect her to ask such a personal question in public. I don’t think I’m offended, just surprised. I know it’s part of Korean culture to be completely blunt with people we feel comfortable with. Telling my close friend that she is too fat is socially accepted here. That’s how we show affection; That’s how we bond.
I scoot over closer to April. “I hate people that are falsely modest and hypocritical, so I’m not going to lie. I actually think I’m pretty hot. But it’s because I know how to get dolled up. I don’t think I’m naturally beautiful. Without BB cream and tinted sunblock, I look horrific with enlarged pores, acne scars, and uneven skin tone. I get depressed looking at myself in the mirror.”
“So you think you’re 9.5 when you’re dressed up and 5 without makeup?”
I break into laughter in an unsuccessful attempt to ward off self-consciousness. “On a happiness scale, I would say 8 in a sexy outfit and 4 when I'm at home. Honestly though, I feel like I’ll never be really happy until I learn how not to care that much. Beauty is too important to me. Do you ever feel like you suffer from a superiority complex when you feel pretty and suffer from an inferiority complex when you take off your makeup?”
April nods her head, to be polite, but we both know she has perfect, glowing skin.
“If I ever feel decently attractive in my pajamas without makeup in the presence of my future husband, that’s when I would legitimately feel like a 9 or above.”
April starts giggling. “You are too cute. But I didn’t mean in terms of how happy you are, but how well you think you stack up against other beautiful girls in Seoul. I mean, objectively speaking, in all honesty.”
April is fidgeting with her polka dot umbrella and I’m trying to figure out how to respond without sounding too American. Here in Gangnam, there is such thing as an objective standard of beauty and most pretty girls look similar. But, I grew up in ethically diverse America where I was bombarded with so many different standards of beauty. I don’t think there is a single girl in the world that’s considered objectively beautiful in all cultural settings. I love Kim Kardashian’s sexy curves but there is a reason why she insists on wearing ridiculously high heels even in an indoor swimming pool. She needs them—pretty desperately. She knows her legs are considered short and chubby by the Caucasian standard. Paris Hilton, on the other hand, never looks good in jeans. Her ass is too flat. This is why I think beauty is, to a large extent, a social construct. It’s a myth, a product of cultural politics.
“I don’t know, April, it seems like no matter how beautiful I am here in Seoul, someone in LA will think otherwise, and vice versa. Porcelain skin, which Koreans value so much, is considered ghastly pale in America. Slender, here, means stick-thin there. I mean, what's the point of being beautiful? Honestly, I just want to be free from my inner critics. I want to feel confident when I have an intimate relationship with a guy I love or when I meet people for the first time. I mean, it all comes back to the idea of making peace with myself so that I don’t have to think about me so much. When it comes to fashion and beauty, that’s my ultimate goal—I want to feel beautiful and confident so that I can forget about myself.”
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Millennial's Monologue: Secret Dramas in Our Hearts & Souls
Non-FictionREAL LIFE STORY: I was a stereotypical high achiever in an Ivy League school who got suspended for plagiarism; April was a sweet girl who worked in a high-end prostitution ring. We were both in our early twenties when we became friends. A perfect...
