I'm Tired || Daisuga

- Journal

Warning: Contains thoughts of suicide and other triggering things, if you are easily triggered, please click away. (This notion will be above every chapter)

I trudged up the stairs to my front porch feeling upset that I lashed out at Daichi and couldn't apologise properly. He didn't mean any harm by the comment, and he obviously wouldn't know it'd upset me, but I let my emotions get the better of me and slipped up again, now he's mad at me. Drying my wet cheeks, I quickly slipped into my house, hoping to skip dinner because I didn't feel like dealing with my parents right now. But that thought went straight out of the window when my dad stopped me from going up the stairs with a single sentence. It sent shivers down my spine.

"Koshi, we need to talk, son." My father's cold voice boomed from the living room as my heart rate skyrocketed.

"What about?" I smiled as best of a smile I could muster through my panic, while practically dragging my feet into the family room.

"Your mother found this while cleaning earlier." he pulled out a small leather journal. I recognised it immediately as mine and prayed to any higher power that he didn't read it. "Now, son, would you mind telling me who Daichi Sawamura is?" He shot daggers at me while patiently waiting for an answer.

I was frozen in fear, he'd read it, obviously, he'd read every word about how in love I was with Daichi, everyone about how much I loathed myself for being the person I was, and how much I wanted to disappear. My eyes watered for the second time that day as I stared, horrified, at the diary in his hands, I started trembling, feeling a panic attack on the rise.

"Don't make me repeat myself." He forced between clenched teeth as I finally met his dark, steely eyes; they stared back in pure dissatisfaction.

"He's my friend from school!" I squeaked, feeling like a tight coil, ready to spring at any moment.

"Bullshit, who do you take me for, a moron?!" He shouted, getting to his feet and standing over me with his six foot two inch stature, "What is he, your little boyfriend now? ... Disgusting, how did my son turn into such a f*ggot? You disappoint me Koushi, I don't want you hanging around him anymore, no wonder you haven't fixed yourself!" He scowled at me, looking furious. However, I was pissed, he couldn't do that, not only had he gone through my personal belongings, but now he was dictating my friendships!

"What?! No! You're the one who went through my stuff! Daichi's my best friend, I'm not going to stop hanging out with him just because you say so! You can't tell me who to be friends with—" my angry rant was cut short when he slapped me across the face with so much force it knocked me back a few steps.

"Don't ever speak to me that way again you ungrateful brat. Everything you have, I provided, if it weren't for me you wouldn't even go to that school. How dare you speak to me as if I owe you something, you're a pathetic excuse of a man, Koushi. You're no son of mine." he sneered, looking down his nose at me.

"But dad—" my shaky voice was cut off yet again as he grabbed my shirt by the collar and tugged me so close our foreheads nearly touched.

"If you want to continue living under this roof, you'll shut your mouth and pay attention. You will address me as Mr.Sugawara, and my wife as Mrs.Sugawara, also no boys in this house until you... straighten yourself out. You will not be hanging around this 'Sawamura' and if I find out you've been doing otherwise, there will be consequences." he let go of my shirt and slid his finger down to the end of my chin to raise it, mumbling loud enough for me to hear, "God, you are such a worthless disappointment, how selfish could you be so selfish? We give you everything and yet you still want to die? All you want is attention, if you really wanted to die you would've killed yourself by now. Just try harder, if you focused less on that disgusting crush of yours, maybe you'd do better in school." he gave me one last cold glare before sitting back down and picking his bottle of beer back up from the coffee table. "Now get out of my sight." he ordered, throwing the journal at me full force.

I quickly grabbed it, running up the stairs in tears. There was a sting in my cheek but it was nothing compared to the throbbing of my head as I threw myself onto my bed, unsure of what to do.

That's one way of coming out, I thought to myself, sobbing into a pillow. My biggest concern at the moment however, was what to do about Daichi. I didn't know if my dad would be able to actually tell if I was hanging out with him or not, so maybe I could just lie. But then I remembered that he was mad at me, and wouldn't want to hangout with me either way. My father was right, I was nothing more than a disappointment, a worthless idiot that couldn't get anything right, what he said just about summarised it, other than the part about killing myself. Sure I'd thought about it, just ending my life, it the only way to stop my suffering at this point, but I couldn't do that to the volleyball team, because no matter how useless I was, I had to be there for them, I had to set my own feelings aside for the better of my friends. It'd be selfish of me to take my own life, and would be the most selfish thing I've ever done.

Dragging my feet to the bathroom, I washed my face, feeling the exhaustion of not sleeping properly in a week, my eyes barely hang open, still letting occasional tears slip by. I looked up at the mirror, seeing my disaster of a face puffy and red, I wanted to scream, feeling self loathing and revulsion whenever I locked eyes with the reflection of the broken teenage boy I'd become. I felt sick watching him change and seeing the thin body I bore; my arms too scrawny and ribs too defined, I lacked muscle definition and felt lesser as a person for not fitting the masculine criteria. The silver locks I had thanks to a melanin deficiency were a tangled mess, but I was far too tired to bother brushing my hair.

Then I saw the three bright red lines across my cheek, they came from my father's calloused hand, I hoped they'd be gone by the morning, I don't know what I'd do for school if they didn't disappear soon...

As I slipped into bed feeling drained, I thought of the day that passed and everything I did wrong, all the incorrect words I used, and all the mistakes I'd made in pissing off Daichi, then yelling at my father... I needed to fix everything soon, before my life fell apart completely right under everyone's noses.

No dreams coloured my sleep that night, just emptiness in all directions.

I woke feeling just as emotionally drained as the prior evening, even though my body was refreshed from actual sleep, I still felt on the verge of tears whenever I thought about seeing Daichi at morning practice. He would probably want nothing to do with me anymore right? This argument would have been the perfect excuse to finally end our friendship if he wanted to, I mean, he wouldn't want to be friends with me if he wasn't too nice to ditch me outright.

Making my way to the bathroom, I froze at the sight of myself.

The marks from my father hadn't dissipated, just turned a dark reddish purple.

I had to find a way to cover them up, knowing everyone would waste time worrying about it if they saw it. For some odd reason I felt embarrassed by the miniature welts on my cheek, the idea of people seeing them was so unappealing it made my gut twist. my eyes drifted to my mothers makeup, knowing we had the same skin tone, I quickly blended some of her concealer onto my reddened face and smiled into the mirror. 

"Just smile," I told myself, "I'm fine, just a little tired!" I chirped.

It sounding believable enough.