“It’s Gerry’s 30th on the weekend and we’re all putting in to get him a present,” announced Merih. “What does everyone think about a tablet and a mankini?”
Mel thought it would be quite expensive, but she didn’t say so. She also wondered why Gerry’s manager wanted him to have a mankini. She assumed that was a matter between Gerry and Merih.
Merih’s eyes went around the room. “So we’re agreed, then?”
Some heads nodded slowly as Merih’s eyes swept around the group. Merih’s eyes fixed on Mel. “I’ll take care of the tablet. Mel, could you arrange a mankini?”
Mel was taken aback. Why would she know where to get a mankini? “I wouldn’t know where to start. I’ve never bought one before.” Privately, she reflected that she’d be content to never buy one at all, nor see one on any man she knew.
Merih laughed. “Ah, you’ll be fine. I’ll leave it to you. We need it for tomorrow, so hurry up!”
Mel saw Lili nod, smiling, and she became resigned to the task. Executive officers execute orders, she reminded herself.
She sat down on her computer and searched for mankinis. She discovered that they used to come as a free gift with Borat DVDs, but not any more. It looked like there were a lot on ebay, but there was no way she’d have it by tomorrow. All the other hits were pictures of men who owned a mankini – eeew, one had huge tufts of black hair sticking out of it – or ads for sex shops.
She opened up tabs for a few and steeled herself for unpleasant research. She let out her breath in a relieved hiss as she clicked on the first page. It featured a warning message, telling her the page had been blocked because it might contain pornographic content.
It’s a sex shop, Mel thought. Of course it might contain pornographic content.
She clicked on the web address again, but the site was still blocked. She tried the next and the next…but they were all blocked. She jumped up and trotted over to ask Lili.
“Ah, Lili?” she asked, knocking on Lili’s partition.
“Mmm?” Lili’s gaze flowed from the screen to Mel’s face, looking half asleep.
“I can’t seem to find a mankini online, because the sex shops are blocked,” Mel stated, her voice carrying a little over the cubicles.
Some heads popped up, glancing at Mel before they slowly shrank down out of sight.
“You can’t look at sex toys at work, dear,” Lili whispered.
Mel was both annoyed and confused. “But don’t we regulate prostitutes and brothels?”
Lili gave her the smile that made Mel feel stupid. “Yes, but not adult shops.” She kept her voice low. “I guess you’ll just have to go out to one and see what they have. Ring them first, though.”
Mel lowered her voice to match Lili’s. “I don’t know where they are. I’ve never been into a sex shop. I wouldn’t know what to ask for.”
“Oh, the nearest one is on Murray Street,” Lili said dismissively. “It’s called XXX or something. Their number should be in the phone book – ring them and I’ll come with you to give you directions.”
Mel rang the number she found in the phone book and explained to the chirpy woman on the phone what she was after.
“Oh, we have them in several colours. Which would you like? They’re part of the Bang Him range, sweetie,” the woman twittered. Mel wondered if the woman was testing out the merchandise under the phone desk, she sounded so cheerful.
“What colours do they come in?” Mel asked, lost.
“Oh, there’s fluorescent green and pink, black lycra and black leather with or without studs, sweetie. I highly recommend the studs.” The woman gave an excited giggle.
“Green,” Mel said firmly. “Is it okay if I come to pick it up this afternoon?”
“Sure, sweetie,” the woman purred. “We have plenty more in the Bang Him range that you might like.”
Mel ended the call as quickly and politely as she could, before going to tell Lili that the shop sold what Merih wanted.
“Let’s go then!” Lili jingled the work car keys. “We’ll take the work car and park it out front, as this is important work business.”
Mel and Lili drove to the adult shop and parked right out front, as Lili insisted, though it’s not as if the shop had a back entrance or rear car park.
Inside the shop, they were greeted by an excited woman whose taste ran to tight, black and silver, expressing how thrilled she’d be to help them.
“We’re here for the mankini? I rang earlier?” Mel asked hesitantly.
“Absolutely! Let me show you the whole range,” the woman gushed. Her name badge read “Mitzi”.
She took both girls over to a display that was clearly the province of the Bang Him range. Mel leaned over to look more closely at a strange-shaped item before she read the name and decided she didn’t want to know what it did.
“Are you sure you want the green, sweetie?” Mitzi cooed, her hand waving toward the studded black vinyl number.
Mel choked as she spotted a dildo so big she wondered how anyone could use it for anything but decoration, so Lili answered instead. “Green would be lovely. It’s for a work colleague.”
“Oh, how delightful,” Mitzi said with a wink. “Is there anything else you’d like?” Her eyes strayed around the shop, finishing up on Mel. Mel was trying to work out why they had a display of dildos with tentacles, then decided that she didn’t want to know that, either.
“No, thank you,” Mel managed to say, swallowing hard. She decided she’d rather be in hell than here.
YOU ARE READING
Mel Goes To Hell
Humor“Great, see you in hell at 9 on Monday morning!" Even working in hell has a funny side. Mel accepted a job in the Hell Corporation. The push for cost-cutting, consolidation and privatisation meant most government services were contracted out to one...
