Mel sipped her not-quite-coffee as she checked her morning emails, wishing she was reading that story she’d found over breakfast, the one about Henry VIII’s mother. The red cover picture looked so pretty…
“Mel, we’re getting lots of calls at Reception on the new legislation. We need you to help field enquiries,” Lili said, without warning.
Mel looked up, stunned. “What about the alien invasion? Aren’t I supposed to stay away from the public after I cried in the press conference?”
Lili shrugged. “Luce took care of that. He put out a media release that the invasion had been contained and we’d remain vigilant. No mention of what species they were. He just called you a ‘dedicated member of staff’ who had ‘worked tirelessly to manage the incursion.’ He thinks the photos of you in the paper in tears were brilliant. He specifically requested you to help with enquiries.”
Mel sighed. At least on Reception I can take my phone with me and read that story between calls, she thought as she slipped the smartphone into her pocket. She stood up, gulped down the last of her coffee and straightened her shirt. “Sure. What questions will I have to answer?”
Lili handed over a booklet. “The new legislation that comes into effect on the 1st. People have lots of questions and they’re all answered in this.”
Mel took the booklet and smiled as she headed out to Reception, feeling the heavy bump of the phone in her pants pocket with each step.
She sat down next to another girl, dressed in a fresh white shirt instead of the Hell Corporation uniform. The stranger smiled.
“Hi, I’m Mel,” Mel said. “Here to help.”
“I’m Gabrielle, from Helpful Angels Agency, temporarily here to take phone enquiries,” the stranger replied, looking troubled. “Just Gabi, honestly. This is really hard.”
Mel smiled. “Ah, another Angel. Welcome to Hell. It’s not too bad, once you get used to it.”
Gabi shrugged. “I probably won’t be here that long.”
The phone rang and Gabi answered it, turning away. She looked pained.
Mel’s phone rang, too, so she took a deep breath and answered it. “Good morning, Hell Corporation. How may I help?”
“This is shit.”
Mel fought not to laugh. “What is, sir?”
“The new changes to the laws. We’re the Cane Toad Action Group and according to the new animal welfare laws, we can’t kill any animal in the State without it being done by an authorised veterinarian. It’s BULLSHIT.”
Mel agreed with him so she tried to be soothing. “Surely that can’t be right. I’m sure the new animal welfare laws were only changed to… ‘better protect native species, pets and stock.’” She read the list quickly off the front of the brochure, hoping he wouldn’t notice her hesitation.
“Well someone better fix this then, because I’m not going to get a vet to personally kill a thousand cane toads. I’m going to put the buggers in a bag and gas them the same as we always do…and you can tell your fucking policy people they’re stupid!” The irate man hung up.
Mel made a note of the man’s point and picked up the brochure with a sigh. Surely no one could write legislation that protected cane toads from being killed. They were a noxious pest that had to be killed on sight…
The phone rang again. This time the enquirer was female. “I have a question about the new laws.”
Please don’t let it be about cane toads, Mel prayed.
The woman’s voice shook. “I have a redback spider in my house and I’m terrified it will bite my dog or me, but my neighbour told me that the new laws mean I can’t kill it. I can’t afford to get a vet out here to do it. What do I do? I don’t want it to kill me…”
Mel privately thought she would have preferred cane toads. “I’m sure the laws don’t cover redback spiders. You just spray it, squish it or shift it outside, like you would normally.”
The woman sniffled as she agreed to do what Mel said, before ending the call.
Gabi was looking at Mel as she hung up. “So, what’s the deal with this legislation?” Mel asked, feeling that she’d been dropped into something she hadn’t agreed to.
Gabi’s expression darkened. She reached for Mel’s brochure, flipping quickly through the pages. “The animal rights activists managed to push through this new legislation, which apparently applies to ‘all non-human animals in the State’ where they must die a humane death, as administered by an authorised vet. The first query I got was about rats, the next was about fishing…and the list just grows. Apparently you can’t kill the fish you’ve caught without a vet, you can’t poison rats, can’t spray flies and your pet fish can’t die of natural causes…Whoever wrote this wasn’t living in the real world.”
Mel started to laugh. “Well, they’ll just have to change it to say some animals are exempt from the law, right?”
Gabi shook her head. “They probably will, but not before the 1st. Until they do, we’ll be dealing with all the questions.”
“Excuse me, ladies,” a sleazy voice suggested.
Both Gabi and Mel looked up, eyebrows raised.
“I couldn’t help but overhear,” he said smoothly, “but is it true that the new legislation is a little, ah, problematic and short-sighted?”
Mel began to think she found this smarmy stranger familiar. “Legislation is law. What else it is I’d say is up to the policy makers who have to deal with it.” She looked hard at him. “Can I help you?”
“I’m from Channel Triple Six news and I’ve come to interview your CEO about the new legislation. He’s expecting me.” He grinned greasily at Mel.
She suppressed a shudder. Gabi was already on the phone, nodding as she spoke to Mephi. “You can go on down.”
Mel stood up. “I’ll take you to his office.” She led the way to the stairs.
Luce smiled at the sight of her and happily stood up to greet the reporter. The two men shook hands and murmured their greetings as Mel stood in the doorway, wondering what to do next.
“We’ll be fine, thank you, Mel. Can you send Mephi in to arrange coffee?” Luce asked. Both his and the reporter’s eyes followed Mel as she walked out of the office. She tried to ignore their scrutiny.
Mephi huffed as she stood, having already heard Luce’s words, and minced into the meeting to arrange refreshments.
As Mel headed away from the office, she heard the reporter’s first question. “So, Luce, as CEO of Hell Corporation, can you tell us how this new legislation will affect containment of the alien invasion? Are we drafting an army of veterinarians to kill the alien menace?”
Mel almost choked as she headed toward the stairs, hoping to put as much distance between herself and the reporter as possible before she lost it laughing. Sometimes, working for this Corporation was funny as hell.
YOU ARE READING
Mel Goes To Hell
Humor“Great, see you in hell at 9 on Monday morning!" Even working in hell has a funny side. Mel accepted a job in the Hell Corporation. The push for cost-cutting, consolidation and privatisation meant most government services were contracted out to one...
