Spray Painted Bananas

Chapter 13

Tucked away in a narrow Soho street we find a French bistro with a free table. Candlelight flickers over animated faces and the long, narrow room is filled with conversation and the tinkle of cutlery. The air smells as if it has been seasoned with fresh herbs and my mouth waters as I breathe it in.

‘Is this alright?’ Elliott asks.

‘It’s perfect.’

Above us the wooden beams have been stained to look old and on the distressed white wall, nailed to a wooden plaque, a huge wild boar looks over all the diners with glassy eyes.

Our table is in a corner separated only by a few inches on one side from a couple engaged in a silent attack of two steaks. A waiter hands us the wine list and menus and then delivers the specials in a thick accent that fascinates me so much I forget to listen.

‘Did you get any of that?’ I ask.

‘Not a word.’

‘Where do you think he was from?’

‘Lord knows.’

‘Oh I thought you might have a gift for accents or something... do you speak any languages?’

‘Ancient Greek. Incredibly useful as you can imagine.’

I laugh. ‘You never know, there might be some very, very old Greek people on an island somewhere who still speak it.’

He looks surprised. ‘No, I’m serious, it’s very useful.’

He goes back to studying the menu. I can’t resist.

‘It’s not as useful as a modern language though is it?’

I’m sure I could pick a more useful language with each letter of the alphabet. American English, British Sign Language, Cockney rhyming slang, Danish...

He frowns. ‘I think it is actually’

‘Of course it isn't!’

‘Everyone who doesn’t speak English is capable of learning it and they should learn it,’ he says. ‘But you can’t get the ancient world to change their language, can you?’

‘That doesn’t make any sense! Are you saying everyone in the world should speak English?’

‘It would be much easier, wouldn’t it?’

‘Not for people who don’t speak English!’

I feel indignant on behalf of the non-English speaking community. I hate it when my fellow holidaying patriots haven’t even bothered to learn the local word for ‘Hello’. They speak in their thick colloquialisms, just a lot louder, and then they get annoyed that no one understands them. But that’s not the point. The point is he’s completely wrong.