Billie and Brandon: Unpredictable Circumstances

33

"Does it feel weird?" Brandon asked as they sat down on the lobby chairs of the pediatrics floor waiting for Nova's discharge from the hospital to be finalized.

Once the hospital ran the paperwork through the system, Billie and Brandon would be well on their way home to start their lives as parents. Billie gazed down at Nova resting in her arms, bundled in her green blankie. She smiled, her heart swelling in her chest as she watched her sleep.

"No. I've been waiting for this day for a long time."

I can finally take my baby home.

It'd been a long summer of hospital visits and learning how to be a caregiver and mother to Jellybean while she made the change from being dependent on the hospital to care for her needs to depending on Billie. Her time in the special care nursery hadn't been more than two months at most, but it felt like it'd been a year, each day that Nova stayed in the hospital another day that Billie grew more impatient for her to be able to come home. It wasn't so much the process that was annoying, so much as the fact that being in a hospital longterm was starting to lower her morale quite a bit. There was something almost dark about hospitals and a few of the sights she'd accidentally seen were real spirit dampers.

Billie had mixed feelings about her transition into motherhood after Jellybean became more of her charge. On the one hand, she'd been glad that her baby was finally on the way to healing and she could now hold her, but on the other, it scared Billie that now she was being held responsible for most of the care. As weeks went by, the doctors had slowly put her and Brandon more in charge of things concerning Jellybean so when she was finally discharged, they would be ready for full time handling of their baby.

The first time Billie held her Jellybean, she'd been terrified, her fingers trembling as she'd picked her up from her cot. Billie's biggest fear had been that Jellybean would start crying or fussing because she didn't want to be held by Billie or worse, that she could accidentally drop her precious baby. Brandon had reassured her that everything would be alright, and he'd been right. Nova had been so light and small and fit in Billie's arms perfectly. It had been a magical moment and Billie was absolutely positive she had fallen deeply in love as she held her little bundle of joy. Billie had found that holding Jellybean and resting her head on her shoulder, bouncing her lightly and talking into her ear was the best way to lull her to sleep. After that, it didn't become very hard to take care of Jellybean.

Breastfeeding had been a whole other story though.

The doctors had taken a sample of her milk to test it and ensure it was safe for her baby. Traces of her AEDs were found so her regimen was alternating between breastfeeding and formulas so as not to accidentally "hook" Jellybean on any of the drugs, so to speak. Once it was safe, Jellybean's primary care provider had implored her to learn as it was the best method to feed her baby. Billie's first time was a nightmare, easily the most awkward thing she'd ever experienced in her life, even beating out when she'd lost her virginity to her ex Micah when they'd both been virgins. Not even the awkwardness of their floppy fish sex held a candle to breastfeeding.

Billie had kicked everyone out of the room save for one nurse because she'd felt completely uncomfortable and embarrassed with the doctors around and even Brandon there. Nurse Johnson had stayed behind and had given her tips for nursing as well as comfortable positions and how to understand Nova's cues for when she wanted to feed.

She wouldn't lie, it had been just strange at first and she hadn't been able to grasp her head around the fact that she could breastfeed (she'd always just seen it as something older woman could do), but now it was almost second nature, though she still wasn't at the point where she could comfortably take care of her baby in front of everyone. It was funny though. However scared Billie had originally been to hold Nova, she didn't want to set her down for one second now.