I killed my sister

chapter 24

Jason came back with a lady behind him. "This is the midwife issy" he said.

"hi issy my name is Trisha, I'm one of the midwifes on shift tonight. Now Jason tells me you didn't know you where pregnant?" She asked me.

"No I didn't even think, I mean I know now logically thinking about it yeah it could have happened. I know when it happened but I just didn't know. Jason said I was bleeding am I loosing the baby. Did it die?"

"That we don't know yet. We wanted to wait till you where awake to do the ultrasound as the bleeding had slowed down considerable, but your tests still came back with high levels of hcg. You say you know when it happened, do you know the date of your last period?" She asked.

"Yes but it was a week or so after I had sex and i have only had sex once ever."

"Okay well we will do the scan and if we find a something we can look at dates then. I will go get the machine and give you two a minuet." And she got up and walked out the ward.

"You really didn't know you was pregnant?" The women in the bed next to me said.

"No" was all I could say. My mind raced with thoughts of how this happened. Well I know how it happened in action but I mean I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant easy because of my injuries from the crash. I hadn't missed a period at all still just like clockwork. I hadn't felt sick or tired. I kept my head down looking at my hands clasped together in my lap in front of my stomach. My stomach that could be harbouring a little person, a little me, a little Jason. It was actually an hour before the midwife came back with the equipment for the ultrasound. The whole time I never said a word and neither did Jason he just sat on the chair next to my bed.

The midwife pulled the curtains around the bed and pulled the gown up over my stomach and then looked at me.

"Now I just want to prepare you we may not see anything at all we may see something very small if your early on. I will try and point out and explain what I can for you both." She turned to the machine and pulled out the wand and turned the screen on. She squirted some clear gel on my stomach that made me jump it was so cold. "Sorry forgot to say it's cold" she explained.

She started moving the wand over my lower abdomen pushing down rather hard that it hurt a bit. Jason grabbed my hand and gave it a squeeze but I still didn't look at him. My attention was solely on that screen. I wanted it to come back clear, that there was nothing there but some part of me also wanted there to be a perfect little baby there. I didn't know what emotion to feel. All I could see was grey white and black fussy images that just looked like a kids painting to me. Then she pointed it out. There it was, she zoomed in a little and pointed at one end and said "that's the head and the rest here is body and that little flickering thing there is the heart".

I looked ever so closely at this screen then I realised it was a baby I could see its details better now she had pointed it out. And the heart kept flickering. "The flickering is it ment to do that does that means it's heart is beating?"

"Yes, here listen". She turned the volume up and there it was not very loud but very fast. It was alive, I was very much pregnant. I turned at that point to look at Jason. His expression was very distant he was looking at the screen but I could tell he wasn't really seeing it.

"Jason?" I said. He let go of my hand and walked out.

"I'm sorry" the midwife said. "I just need to get some measurements and I will be done. You will need to stay here for 24 hours so we can keep an eye on the bleeding. But if it's all okay you can go home then, is there anyone you want me to call for you?"

"No thanks I will be fine" I half whisper.

The midwife got the measurements and left me alone. I curled up in a ball stomach still aching and started to cry. Cry because I was pregnant, cry because it was Jason's, cry because he walked out, cry because well I don't know. I spent most of my night in and out of sleep crying when I was awake. My mind a jumble of thoughts not one seaming to stay in one place.