Heartbeat

35| Understanding

I couldn't bear to leave Holden that day. No matter how many times he insisted that I go home and rest, I didn't budge. I wanted to keep an eye on him and there was no reason he could give me that would make me stop. Although I knew that I had to go back home to get myself some fresh clothes, I came back as soon as I could.

I never thought I would ever be able to have a patient that I care too much about. Now I'm here the following day, sitting on a chair next to Holden's bed, absentmindedly rubbing my thumbs on his knuckles as we watched another romantic comedy film to start off his day.

"What is it with you and these romance films? I can never understand why you find them so fascinating," I teased but Holden only faintly chuckled.

"If you had asked the old me, my old self would have rather thrown himself off a cliff than watch these types of things," he said calmly but I was surprised with what he said. "Seriously? I thought you always had a thing for these. I can imagine you being that quirky teenage boy," I commented and he just shook his head.

"Now that my disease is out, might as well tell you my story," he said as he slowly sat himself up on the hospital bed. I felt my heart beat furiously, anticipating what he was going to say.

"I wasn't always like the way I am now," he said, "I was just any normal kid but I had a weak heart, I used to even have myself treated for it."
He let out a shaky breath as he struggled to say the next words, "My parents were my rock and when they were gone I didn't really know what to do with myself, they gave me a reason to get those treatments."

"I only got those treatments because I wanted to live longer and finish my studies and make my parents proud, I was so close to doing that Alex,"he said, shuddering as tears began to fall from his face. I paused the movie and gestured for him to go on.

"When they passed away because of the car accident, I felt like there was no purpose left for me, I've been so focused on trying to stay alive and finishing my studies that I didn't know who I was out of that," he said and wiped his tears away with my thumbs.

"I decided right then and there to sell what my parents owned and use the money to travel the world and stop taking the treatments, I wanted to live a life that felt like it had no limits and so I did," he said as he struggled to keep a steady tone in speaking.

"I traveled the world Alex, I saw the Great Pyramid, the Burj Khalifa, the Machu Picchu, I went swimming underwater to see coral reefs, I went backpacking through Europe, it was amazing," Holden said as he smiled genuinely. A smile I haven't seen ever since he was on this hospital bed.

"I know I hid a lot of things from you Alex but I didn't lie when I said I stopped travelling because I felt that I missed out on making bonds with people, having deep friendships and all," he nonchalantly said but there was a hidden sadness in it. I enveloped his hands with mine and said, "It's okay, I know you kept things from me cause you felt it was right."

He gave me a small smile and said, "I settled down here in LA and got a job and made some friends at my job as a manager. I felt content and was just waiting for my uncertain death and I thought I had everything planned out until I met you."

"I thought I'd never find someone I could love so I watched these romantic comedy films to somehow fill that void," he explained.

"I knew I shouldn't wish to have seen you again after meeting you at that restaurant but I secretly hoped to have seen you again and somehow I did," he said as he smiled at the memory. I smiled back and said, "I'm glad you did."

"Look Alex, I know it was selfish for me to keep you close but I really wanted to believe that I could be happy again and that I could live normally like there was no weight on my shoulders," he said wistfully, "But it seemed like my heart started to give up on me huh?"