Coming Home [Completed]

Ch. 21: Edge of Glory

A/N: This chapter has been extensively edited/added to since it was first published and includes some important plot points that will be relevant later.

The rest of Thanksgiving break came and went in a blur for Charlie. He hadn't really understood why he hesitated when Theo brought up the subject of getting back together. If he'd been honest with Theo and followed his heart, he would have said yes immediately, but something was holding him back, a hesitancy that he both could and could not explain. Yes, the reasons he told the other boy were part of it, but more than anything else he still really cared about Lucas and didn't want to see the other boy hurt.

Their relationship wasn't an end-game type of love, but it was maybe another form of love and, even though both knew their time together wouldn't be eternal, they still felt a deeply spiritual bond. Or at least, that's what it felt like from Charlie's end of things. This whirlwind of emotion caused him to look towards their return to school on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving. (Of course, the state gave a school holiday for the first Monday after Thanksgiving for the first day of hunting season, which was for everyone even if you personally weren't participating.)

The idea of harming an animal made Charlie feel ill, but perhaps not as ill as imagining having to interact with both Lucas and Theo at the same time in school. He'd almost-completely stopped responding to texts from either of them. So, he really should not have been surprised when Lucas approached him Tuesday morning before Charlie had even gotten out of his car.

Lucas told him they needed to talk and, reluctantly, Charlie welcomed him into his car.

"You've been avoiding me."

"What? Don't be ridiculous. Just because I don't respond to every text right away doesn't mean I'm avoiding you."

"If I hadn't cornered you like this, how long would it have been before you talked to me?"

"Probably our first class together."

"Do you even believe you saying that?" Lucas asked and, when no response came, he pressed on, "I see you actually did shave your head."

"Don't you like it?"

"I'll miss the slim shady look, but I'm more peeved I wasn't the one to do it."

"Honestly, it was a spur of of the moment thing and Theo was just there and offering."

"And I wasn't around. That's what's implied there right? We've been over this, Charlie. I'm sorry I wasn't available when you were going through shit with your dad."

"None of that was implied by what I said. Maybe you just still feel guilty."

"You can't tell me you haven't been holding that against me this past month."

"I'm not holding anything against you," Charlie said, as if willing it to be true but not entirely believe it to be.

"You hold against me that I'm not Theo."

"Don't be silly. You're just acting paranoid now. Just because Theo shaved my head doesn't mean anything's going on."

Lucas let out an exasperated sigh, "this is supposed to be fun, Charlie. I don't like the position you're putting me in. We're supposed to make each other's lives more enjoyable, not less."

"Don't I make you happy?"

"You did."

"Ouch," Charlie said, his ego properly wounded from that remark.

"We had fun, didn't we? I certainly had a great time with you."

"You keep using the past tense."

"Very perceptive, future English major."

"There's something you're going to say so just do it already."

"Charlie, I don't know if you've started hooking up again with Theo or not, but clearly you're back to being completely infatuated by him. And, I'm just not anyone's consolation prize."

"I never—"

"Let me finish, Charlie. I've earned that, because honestly, I don't care about exclusivity or monogamy or whatever, but I don't want to become an object of resentment for you, an obstacle to your ultimate happiness. I know we talked about riding through our senior year together, but I think this thing of ours has run its course."

"Don't say that," Charlie pleaded, even if he wasn't sure why exactly.

"Why? Please tell me why you think we should stay together. Give me one good reason that's not about our sexual chemistry."

Charlie was at a loss for words, mouth left gaping.

"You can't, but you still want to stay together, because you have this complex where you always want people to know you're the good guy in everything. Ya know, good for you, if you actually did turn down Theo's advances—don't think I didn't notice, I'm not stupid—but, that doesn't make you a good person. Staying with me just for the sake of staying together hurts both of us and it's really shitty to lead me on like you have been."

"Lucas, I don't know what to say. I'm just sorry that I... I never meant to lead you on."

"You have nothing to apologize for. I'm not heartbroken or anything. I'll be fine. I just can't do this anymore. I'm not going to be settled for as an afterthought. I deserve my own story."

"You're totally right."

"I hope that we can be friends sometime soon, but for now, please just keep your distance."

"I understand, Lucas."

"Thank you. It means a lot." At that, Lucas got out of Charlie's car and made his way to the school building, where two of his friends were waiting for him. He'd clearly told them ahead of time what he was doing.

Charlie took a moment to gather himself before propelling himself out of his car and into the crowd of fellow students making their way into the building. He didn't stop to talk to anyone as he collected what he'd need from his locker and then made his way to his homeroom.

He realized in doing so that it was just so much easier to stay silent, so that's just what he did for the rest of the day. He didn't verbally respond to anyone except teachers and stopped answering his messages altogether. Theo seemed particularly distraught by this turn as it continued through the rest of the week. Charlie didn't know why but it just felt so good to block out so much of the world when he wasn't sure what exactly he wanted from it.

Rumors were abound throughout the school as news of Charlie and Lucas's breakup spread throughout the student body, but even Charlie's closest friends couldn't get him to confirm or deny any such rumors, whether they be scandalous or banal. Nolan tried coaxing him into talking several times, but nothing seemed to work, not even hockey talk. Charlie skipped practices that week and only showed up for the game at the last minute, earning bench-warmer status for the first period as punishment from coach.

Charlie's mom grew increasingly more concerned as she worried that her son was quickly declining to his bad old days before coming out. Perhaps these past few months had been an aberration, a mirage of happiness amid a desert of despair that would be his life.