always you (larry stylinson)

chapter 8

[Harry's point of view]

I woke up extremely late, it was almost 3pm. My head was pounding and I felt dizzy. I was really hungover. I didn't remember much of last night, only some memories were flashing in my mind. I turned my head to the left to find Louis still asleep, softly snoring. I didn't wanna wake him up so I carefully climbed out from under the sheets. I went downstairs to make myself a coffee. I saw the shirt Lou was wearing yesterday in the middle of the staircase. I had no idea how it got there so I just picked it up to smell it. As his smell reached my lungs some more pictures from yesterday night entered my mind. My face turned red from the thoughts. Even though we have done this a million times it still excites me as much as the first time and still makes me happy. I kept the shirt in my hand as I was making the coffee, sniffing it every once in a while. Just when I finished drinking, I saw Louis walking down the stairs.

'Morning.'

Even though his hair was a mess and his eyes were still red, his smile was honest and seeing him made me really happy.

'Hi.' I stepped next to him, quickly kissing his forehead then went upstairs to shower. 'There is some left for you.'

I yelled before stepping into the bathroom. I didn't hear whether he said anything. I stepped in the shower then just let the hot water bury me while I was thinking about last night. As I started waking up more and more, tons of new pictures from it flashed before my eyes.

A few minutes later I heard the door open. Louis just undressed without a word and stepped in next to me. He stared at me for a while, checking every inch of my body out, taking it all in like he was seeing it for the first time. Then he aggressively pushed me against the shower wall and kissed me.

§ september 28th, 2010 §

Me and Louis were laying next to each other in the bunk bed that X-Factor provided for us. Louis' head was placed on my chest so his hair was tickling my neck and mouth. I was quietly playing with it, listening to his constantly slowing breathing. Since he kissed me, we haven't said a word to each other. It surprised us both, but I think especially him. Just when I thought he was asleep, he mumbled my name.

'Hazza?' He climbed off of me, first to his back, then turned his whole body towards me, so I did the same. I was looking into his beautiful blue eyes, which this time were full of fear and a bit of embarrassment.

'Yes, love?' The nickname visibly came unexpected to him, his eyes became bigger and he gulped but he didn't mention it just smiled. I hoped it's because he liked it.

'I-I-I have never...never uh...kissed a guy before.' He admitted, with his voice shaking and breathing extra heavy. He closed his eyes then squeezed them hard, like he was hoping it would make him disappear and it would undo what he just said.

'And?' I asked softly, knowing there was something else. His sentence didn't feel finished, I knew that there is something else he wants to tell me.

'I'm...I don't...I have never...' he was choking on words, he was looking for the right way to say whatever it was that was bothering him.

'It's okay, you can tell me anything.' I smiled to reassure him. I brushed his brown locks out of his eyes so I could look into them.

'I have never liked a boy before.' He said this so quietly and quickly I could barely hear him. 'I have never thought of a guy like that. I have never kissed one before, I've only been with girls. I'm...I didn't know I was...' he didn't wanna say the word.

He hasn't accepted himself yet and wasn't ready to say it out loud. He was battling with it, whether it was true or not, whether he really felt something for me, or was it just a moment of teenage craziness? Finding and accepting yourself isn't an easy thing to do, especially when the reason behind your questioning is your best friend, your bandmate.

'Harry I didn't know I could feel this way about a guy.' His voice was even quieter than before. A tear came out of his eyes but he wiped it away immediately. He didn't want to seem even more vulnerable than he already was. 'And I don't want to feel this way about you. Or any guy. I don't want to. I don't. I don't.' he kept repeating it like it was a sin. And it might have felt like one for him at the moment. At this point the tears came falling down his face. But it wasn't a hysterical cry, it was a painful, full of regret cry.

'Hey, it's alright Lou. It's alright, You're alright.' I pulled him back on my chest and gave soft, little kisses in his hair, trying to calm him down and make sure he felt safe with me, to make sure he could really tell me anything. Maybe he was the older one, but in this situation he was just a little, scared boy.

'What's wrong with me?' His voice sounded genuine. He really thought there was something wrong with him for feeling this way. When we first slept together, he didn't make much of it, he just thought it's what close friends do and we never really talked about it. So tonight, when they thought we were a couple and he agreed, almost like a reflex, he confused even himself, then he kissed me which just made it worse. I had already come to terms with my sexuality but very clearly he hasn't. His kiss was even unexpected for me, so how could he have felt? I got lost in my thoughts so Louis had to ask again, snapping me back into the moment.

'Harry, what's wrong with me?'

'Nothing is wrong with you. Nothing, you understand? You are perfect.'

'But I feel these things about you...a guy...that I don't want to feel. Things that are not normal to feel for your best friend.' This was the first time he admitted he had some kind of feelings for me.

'Louis, nothing is wrong with you. Please don't say that.' It hurt me deeply that he thought it was wrong for him to feel this way.

'What will I do? What will we do?' The way that he corrected himself showed me that he was deadly scared of the situation. He needs me for this, he can't come to terms with the whole situation on his own.

'We will figure it out, okay? Don't worry about that now, we will figure it out. Together. I promise.' My hand was resting on his waist up until this moment but now I looked for his hand so I could squeeze it.

'And what about...others? What will they think?' His voice was trembling. These fears were real. After all we were on a tv show together, we had the public eye on us. Figuring your sexuality and relationship out on camera didn't sound so appealing. I haven't even thought of that before, it scared me too but I decided to be strong for him.

'Don't worry about anyone. You will...we will be alright.'

'And what if they...what if someone asks?'

'Just be brave Louis. Always be brave.' I sighed. This is what my mom said to me when I told her I liked guys. 'Promise me you will always be brave.'

'I promise.'

All of his muscles were stiff throughout the conversation but now they started to ease up. The worry in his eyes started to disappear, something entirely different was visible in them. I couldn't exactly tell what it was, but he seemed relieved and happier. I let go of his hand and started running my hand through his hair. He looked into my eyes, then his eyes wandered down on to my lips. I didn't know what was the right thing to do, so I just gently put my hand on his cheeks, slowly pulling him closer. When our lips were nearly touching, he glued his lips on mine. The scared little boy, who just showed himself not wanting to be with a boy was nowhere to be found. His kiss was nothing like the one he gave me at the restaurant which was very insecure, not exactly knowing what to do. This was something entirely different. He was dominant, it was almost like he would never wanna let me go. He placed his hand onto my hips, dragging me closer to his body. We soon got out of air, so we broke apart, gasping, trying to catch our breath. As soon as we got it back, we continued where we left off.

This became a nightly routine of ours, keeping it a secret before the other members of the band for a long time.

Notes:

if you wanna have a chat or be friends or...anything, my twitter is @ ethereaIhalo (the first L is a capital i)

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