Why Do I Cut?

Part 4

It’s almost as if the cutting has taken over my life.  I no longer feel like I am in control over my body.  I have this empty almost nervous feeling in my chest when I need to cut.  It feels as if I’m about to get in front of a crowd and make a speech or something.  Like I’m scared and the only thing to release that feeling is to cut.  I try and ignore this, hoping that it will just go away, but it never does.  In fact it gets worse until I just have to give in and do it.  My head will soon join in the nervous feeling; it will start pounding and feel as though it’s going to explode.  I get dizzy and start to feel as though I might pass out.   My chest then starts in and I have a heaviness that seems to steal my breath away.  It seems impossible to stop.  All I am doing is putting off the inevitable.  I will cut eventually because I can’t go on and act normal or take care of my kids when I feel like this. 

Here I am writing, as the nervous energy is taking over.  I can feel the blade calling me, letting me know that it is there ready and waiting.  It will only take just a few swipes.  As soon as I have a new cut and can see the blood coming, this anxiety will start to vanish.  Relief will wash over me and the nervousness will start to fade.  I know this but I am stubbornly trying to put it off.  I don’t want to have to rely on cutting to get through a day.  I don’t want to be this freak that people will talk about.  I don’t want to see the disappointment on my husband’s face when he comes next week to visit.  Maybe if I’m lucky and don’t cut deep enough, it will be healed over by then. 

I am such a loser.  Why is it that I am not capable of dealing with stress and the hard things in life?  I look around and watch others all the time.  They get through their stress somehow.  I don’t see them reaching for a blade.  I have tried talking to people, I have tried exercising, I have tried writing and reading and watching movies…anything I can think of that might make me happy.  However nothing works.  It’s almost as if my brain is missing the part that helps calm a person down from stress.  I think mine works the opposite, it just keeps adding to the stress and physical pain that I am feeling until it has doubled.  I am totally failing in this life of mine.

 I have become this shell of a person.  I am slowly dying inside.  My children no longer have a Mother.  They have this person that yells and screams a lot.  That tries to avoid them.  I no longer care about trying to be nice to others.  I went to my second graders Halloween program and ended up yelling at all the kids they had lined up next to the wall because they were talking and making so much noise.  Luckily for my daughter she wasn’t around to see and none of the kids knew who I was.  I just can’t put up with anything.  If I don’t like what’s going on I will tell you.  I am done trying to be the peacemaker that I used to be.  My siblings have noticed.  They know not to expect anything but negativity from me.  I think they just try and avoid me or only talk about things that would not upset me.  Sometimes they laugh at how ridiculous I act.  Whatever, I don’t let it bother me.  Like I said I no longer care what others think of me.  It’s just too hard to be nice and act like everything is okay.  I am done being fake.  If you ask how I am doing I will tell you. 

What breaks my heart are all the others that feel this same way.  I want to tell them that things will get better but let’s face it that’s just not always the case.  So I have started telling people that things will change.  Nothing stays the same.  Life will get harder sure but for some it might just get better.   We just have to push forward and keep it going.  Our lives are not just ours.  We have others who would miss us and who would take the blame if we were to ever end our lives.  I certainly wouldn’t want my family to feel any sorrow because of me.

I guess I have ranted enough.  My life is what it is and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.  I am going to go lock my door, find my blade, and get rid of this overwhelming anxiety that has taken over.  PLEASE if you find yourself feeling like this, DON’T start cutting.  It will take over just like a drug can.  You rely on it so much that it begins to rule you instead of the other way around.  Learn from my mistakes and don’t let them become yours.